We all want to feel significant.
We want to be seen.
We want to be heard.
We want to know we matter.
We want to make a difference.
Where’s the problem?
The desire for significance can activate the people pleaser within.
Our People Pleaser has some fine qualities, but the desire to feel loved and to have the appreciation and approval of others, will lead us down a dis-empowering path.
It’s the easiest thing - and it happens, usually, before we realize it.
We want to please our spouse with a special meal or gift. Or maybe we’ve done something around the house that’s needed to be done for… too long.
We are sure they will be so pleased! So grateful. So appreciative.
And, they aren’t.
Maybe they didn’t notice or didn’t acknowledge the fabulous thing we did!
Then we’re mad.
Depending on what we’ve done the downward spiral might be quick or it might be ugly and long.
We think things like, “Why don’t I get any recognition for all I do?” “He/she should appreciate all the time and effort that went into this!” Sometimes followed up by, “that’s the LAST TIME I’m doing that!”
How did we go from graciously doing something to please someone, to angry and feeling unappreciated?
Welcome to the world of People Pleasing.
The beautiful desire to give to another gets hijacked by wanting their appreciation, love or approval.
When we do things because we want appreciation, love or approval things get distorted. The person (job, business, organization, church, friend, etc. etc.) you did the good deed for suddenly has the job of giving you the appreciation, love or approval you want so you feel good about what you did. That means they have the power.
What’s the solution?
It’s pretty simple, even if it seems impossible at first.
Don’t do it.
Let me elaborate.
The next time you get the idea to do something for someone ask yourself why you want to do it?
We’d all like to think we only have benevolent thoughts regarding these things, but if you stop and examine it, you’ll find out, you don’t always.
Sometimes you want the recognition. The acknowledgement. The love. The approval.
No Problem!
Go to your spouse, friend, boss, friend, etc. and tell them you’re needing some love and approval. (OK, you probably don’t want love from your boss. You can edit as needed!)
You can even tell them, what you were thinking about doing that was special and simply ask for what you need. Own that you want to do something special. Own that you want love and appreciation for it.
It looks like this: “Honey, I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a romantic dinner on Friday. Then I realized that part of the reason I want to do that is because I’m craving some love and attention from you. Instead of potentially setting us up for disappointment Friday night, are you up for giving me some love and attention? If so, I’d love to make us a romantic dinner. If you’re too beat and distracted (maybe he/she is) then let’s talk about what we can do to support each other and maybe, we’ll just order in.”
No drama. No strings. It’s owning what you can do without any resentment even if he/she isn’t up for giving you what you need. If he/she is up for it. Wow! Watch out! You’re about to have the best Friday night ever!
Our people pleaser has great intentions, but those hidden agendas will hijack our intentions. It’s time to release your people pleaser and take your power back!
I help clients slay people pleaser issues all the time! I’ve got three openings in my calendar for one-on-one clients. Let’s hop on a 15-minute call and see if it’s right for you. Schedule your call here. I can’t wait to chat with you.
xoxo,
Brenda