I sat in my home office rehearsing the conversation I needed to have with my boyfriend. Going over and over exactly what I wanted to say. He had said some really insulting things to me the day before. In truth, he said insulting things pretty often. We had been dating for a while. I was tired of dismissing it as a “bad day,” for him. I had talked to him about it before, but he brushed it off. Brushed me off.
Today was going to be different. I was determined. I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who was insulting and didn’t care that he was insulting. I needed to make him see how important this was to me. I must not have communicated clearly enough before.
Today I was going to do things differently. I wrote down what I wanted to say, I rehearsed it in my head. I removed the drama and tried to keep it really simple. I was sure, once I explained it, the right way, he would understand and be sorry. We could have a conversation about it and use it as a time to get to know each other better, to grow our relationship. After all no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. We just needed to talk about it.
I got up the courage after dinner. He was usually pretty relaxed after dinner so the timing seemed good. I had made a nice meal, which he enjoyed. I cleared the dishes and went to the sink to finish the clean up. He had gone to the living room to watch TV, but came back into the kitchen. This was my opportunity. I was nervous, but I mustered up my courage and told him I needed to talk to him about something.
I calmly and clearly told him what he had said that was insulting to me. Whew! I did it! No drama, no blame, simply sharing my experience. I was so proud of myself. I was sure he would understand and apologize.
But instead…
He blew up at me! He turned everything I said into something that became my fault! In 10 minutes I was crying and apologizing to him!
If you’ve experienced the same kind of thing, It’s probably because the person was toxic, like my boyfriend was.
So, I know how you feel. I’ve been there. You get up the courage to say something, and somehow it gets turned around on you as if you’re the one who’s done something wrong.
Or maybe, you can’t find the words and you freeze. Saying nothing. Hoping it won’t happen again. I did a lot of that too, but things never got better. It always happened again.
I’m here to tell you, however you have dealt with a toxic person is okay. The way we learn to cope in toxic situations is trying to keep us safe and that’s a good thing.
And…
If any part of you is ready to believe that it doesn’t have to be that way, that another response is possible, I invite you to check out the links below and look at the Say Yes to You Group Coaching Program.
I’ve been where you are, but I’m not there anymore and I want to show you how I did it.
I have a Say Yes to You group for teen girls and for women. Check out the links below. We start soon and registration is limited so check it out and choose you!
Links: Say Yes to You for Teen Girls