Empathy or Enmeshment? Can you tell?

Many people identify as empaths. They will describe it as “I feel what others feel.” 

They also often share how challenging and exhausting it is. 

In today’s episode of Uncover and Elevate I am going to describe to you the difference between empathy and enmeshment, because often, what people label as empathy is actually enmeshment. 

Enmeshment is exhausting. 

Empathy cultivates compassion and intimacy, not exhaustion. 

I’ll break it all down in the episode. You can listen HERE. 

I’d love to get your feedback on my distinctions between the two. 

What questions did the episode bring up for you?  

What relationships do you have that might be sliding on the scale into enmeshment instead of healthy empathy? 

As always, leave a comment or DM me and let me know. 

Please share this episode on social and tag me! Then I’d love for you to post a 5 Start Review wherever you get your podcasts. It makes such a big difference and will help others find the show. I’ll be incredibly grateful!

This was so embarrassing!

I was leaving the gym one evening after spin class and after getting home I realized I had my shirt on inside-out! I was embarrassed, but I rationalized that not very many people saw me! 

Then it hit me, that’s what it’s like being a people pleaser! It’s like wearing your clothes inside-out. 

There’s nothing wrong with people pleasing or wearing your clothes inside-out. But when you turn your natural gifts and talent to yourself first, then give to others, it’s like wearing your clothes right-side-out. It’s what they were meant for. Their beauty is easier to see. 

You see, people pleasing is simply a habit of being so focused on other’s needs, feelings and preferences that they become more important than our own. It’s like unbridled empathy. These are beautiful gifts you naturally possess, intuition, generosity, having a benevolent heart and mind. 

When we’re in the habit of people pleasing we use those gifts almost exclusively on others. For the benefit of others. Even at the expense of ourselves. 

Let’s turn that around. Use that intuition, generosity and benevolent heart for yourself, then give to others out of the overflow! 

If you like that idea, but can’t figure out how you’d actually do it. No problem! 

That’s one of my gifts. Liberating others from the habit of people pleasing. Or, as we might say today, my gift is helping others turn their clothes right-side-out! 

I have a handful of spots open for one-on-one coaching right now. If you’re curious about working with me, complete a quick questionnaire HERE. Trust me, it feels so good to wear your clothes right-side-out, you’ll be thrilled you did it! 

The danger of empathy

I love being a guest on other podcasts. Yes, I love recording my own weekly episode for Liberate Your People Pleaser (if you haven’t caught one lately, I’d love for you to listen. Just click this link.

Today I wanted to share what was one of my favorite episodes on another host’s podcast. 

Bindi Heit hosts the Ethical Evolution Podcast and we spoke a couple of weeks ago. We got into a lot of juicy topics like: 

• When empathy goes wrong

• How comparison triggers, “not good enough”

• What happens when we try to be someone other than who we truly are

• How to give ourselves permission to be our authentic selves

I hope you’ll listen to the episode and tell me what you think? Was there one specific take-away you got from the episode? 

Listen to the episode HERE. 

I can’t wait to hear! 

What Can You Do About Your Mother?

I’m a mother, so this isn’t a “let's blame the mothers episode.” And… the truth is most of us have been challenged with setting boundaries with our mothers and knowing how to handle situations that upset them. I know I have! 

There’s a good reason for that. For many of us, it was our relationship with our mother, or other primary caregiver that set our people-pleasing habits into motion. 

It can be a challenge to recreate our relationship from one of parent - child to parent-empowered individual. It’s possible to have empathy for your parents and know that they did the best they could to raise us, and have empathy towards yourself for the ways your childhood was difficult or painful to you. 

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I outline the process that you can use to look at the relationship with your mother, question it, and do a reset to create the exact relationship that you want with her as an adult.

Listen to today’s episode HERE.

If you like Today’s Episode, please don’t hesitate to post a 5-Stars review if you’re listening to the Podcast on Apple iTunes or Spotify and leave us a review telling us how our podcast helped you in a specific aspect of your life. It makes me so happy to see listeners' feedback because it motivates me to create content that is impactful for you and other listeners.

Staying in Your Own Sandbox - Wait - What?

This came up in Cocktails and Coaching last week. 

Staying in our sandbox, instead of messing in someone else’s sandbox. 

Let me explain… 

It’s all about how, as people pleasers, it’s easy to have empathy for someone else. But then we tend to take on those feelings, take on their problems or make how they feel and what they need more important than how we feel or what we need. Right? Everyone can relate to that! 

Welcome to the sandbox metaphor. 

Imagine each of us has a sandbox. In the sandbox are all your feelings, your body, your thoughts, your desires, your wants and needs, everything that is uniquely you. It’s a gorgeous sandbox! 

Everyone has their own sandbox. With their own feelings, their body, their thoughts, desires, wants, needs and everything that is unique to them. Their sandbox is gorgeous too and it’s just right for them and their journey. 

It’s great to look over at that other sandbox and notice that they are sad, anxious, fearful, or anything else. From my sandbox, I can ask them if I can support them or I can simply be beside them, in my own sandbox, seeing and hearing them. In healthy empathy we can see the other person without taking their stuff on as if it were our own.

When we get into people pleasing we tend to hop right into their sandbox. Trying to make it better, solve their problem, change how they feel, and we give lots of advice! We’re sure, in the nicest way, that we can make their sandbox better. 

The problem is, we have to leave our sandbox to get into theirs. That’s why we end up feeling resentful or exhausted. Because we are not in our own sandbox taking care of what we need, prioritizing our feelings and self-care. 

On top of that, when we hop over to someone else’s sandbox we start robbing them of the life lessons they need in order to take care of their own sandbox. In the extreme, that means they never really learn to take care of themselves. They never learn how to create a sandbox that suits their unique life. 

Staying in our sandbox, playing, creating, living the life that brings us joy is actually the best way to “help” another person. When they see you living in freedom and joy, it allows them to get inspired to create a sandbox that brings them freedom and joy. 

Where have you hopped over into someone else's sandbox? It’s so easy to do. There’s no shame in it. Simply notice it, and get back into your own sandbox. Then fill it with all the self-care you need to recover from leaving it. 

Have you heard of Partner Pleasing?

It’s how people pleasing affects your relationship. 

See if this feels familiar? 

You're empathetic, so you tend to prioritize your partner's

• likes/dislikes

• how he feels

• his interests

• his ideas of fun and pleasure

You like harmony and tend to "keep the peace" so you accommodate him with:

• money

• time together

• sex

• hobbies

• the kids

• household chores

In today’s Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m going to give you two powerful tools for escaping Partner Pleasing. Listen to the episode HERE.

I’m curious about your experience as a partner pleaser. Share in the comments, DM or email me and let me know how it’s impacted you.

Is there a dark side to empathy?

I have so many clients who are plagued by being so empathetic, they are overwhelmed by all the feelings they are picking up from others, and they struggle to set boundaries. 

I can relate. 

I had a profound moment one day in a conversation with a man I was dating at the time, that has changed my attitude about empathy and boundaries. 

You’ll hear all about this truly transformations and frankly, dramatic, moment in my life, in today’s, Liberate Your People Pleaser Podcast. (I’m hoping you also notice the fresh new logo!) 

You’ll also find out how to keep empathy from getting in the way of the boundaries you need to set with lovers, family, friends and at work! 

I’m stoked that the podcast is now on Google Play, Spotify, Apple Podcast, YouTube and my website! Here are all the individual links for you to find it on your favorite podcast app. 

Google Podcasts, HERE.

Spotify, HERE.

Apple Podcasts, HERE.

My Website, HERE.

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and see your review of the podcast!

How to Know if You Are an Empath

If you seem to have a sixth sense for what others are feeling and needing, you’re probably an empath! 

It’s one of the superpowers of people pleasers. 

All superpowers have their kryptonite though, and that’s where the going gets tough.

You know how it feels. You get overy caught up in how a loved one or even coworker feels. You can’t seem to shake it. 

Or, you spending too much time wondering how other people feel about you. Are they mad? Did you say or do something that upset them? Have you hurt their feelings? 

And these are not fleeting thoughts. They run through your head over and over. It disrupts your day and maybe even your sleep. 

I know how you feel and what you need.

I created a virtual workshop that will give you the tools and strategies you need to shake off those obsessions with what others are thinking and feeling about you. 

Join me for Own Your Brilliance. You’ll get two 90-minute sessions with me and a group of fabulous people who also want to use their superpowers for their benefit, and the benefit of others. Not have those powers turned against them. 

You’re going to love how this virtual workshop liberates you to fully express the superpowers you have and let go of the ways they can but turned into diminishing you causing self-criticism, doubt and a lack of confidence. 

Get all the details HERE and register for it today. Everything will be recorded and emailed to you so even if you can’t make it live, you’ll get everything you need to keep those superpowers working FOR you!