The Blog
We all hunger for love and approval.
I’ve done some pretty crazy things to feel loved or to get someone’s approval.
In today’s podcast episode, Liberate Your People Pleaser, The Ideal Love You Deserve, I’ll give you a fool-proof and easy way to get that love and approval.
The best part is, you can do it yourself. That way, you’re in charge. You won’t disappoint yourself. And it will feel soooo empowering!
I don’t want to spoil it, so click HERE and listen to the episode!
Patriarchy is about hierarchy.
Hierarchy sucks.
Patriarchy sucks.
We’ve had enough.
It’s time to smash them both!
I’ve got a way to do it. And we can start today!
To smash the patriarchy, we need to liberate ourselves from our people pleaser.
Why?
Because our people pleaser is way too easily fooled into backing off and backing down. Being nice. Not making waves. Keeping the peace.
People Pleasing silences us and steals our voice.
But what do you do?
Love will smash the patriarchy.
We will not allow that which we love to be destroyed whether is our precious selves, our family, our global brothers and sisters, our earth, none of it.
We will not allow that which we love to be abused and treated with prejudice.
Love is quite good at saying, “No. This ends now.”
Patriarchy isn’t the only thing that needs to end, now. Hit reply and tell me what you’re ready to put an end to in your life.
xoxo,
Brenda
People Pleaser.
It’s not a dirty word because it’s bad. Or because there’s something “wrong” with people who are people pleasers!
I’m one.
It’s a dirty word because of what it does to us.
Our people pleaser will get us twisted into a knot before we know it.
We’re second-guessing everything.
We lose our confidence.
Feel like an imposter.
Anxiety levels skyrocket as we try to figure out how to make everyone happy.
But how do we stop?
We stop by loving ourselves. Simple, yet profound.
Turn it all inward baby!
Here’s the really awesome thing about being a people pleaser – this is why I said there wasn’t anything “wrong” with being one…
We are very generous.
We are loving.
We are intuitive.
We are empathetic.
I could go on and on.
People pleasing is like chocolate cake. A little bit is great, but you can make yourself sick on too much!
Too much unchecked generosity, love and empathy will get us using those super-powers of intuition, love, generosity and empathy in ways that exhausts and drains us.
Our boundaries go weak.
We stop taking care of ourselves.
We feel like there’s never enough time.
We worry… a lot!
Let’s clean things up.
Tune into yourself. Yes, it’s okay to use that intuition on yourself! What do you need?
Love yourself. I work with clients on this all the time. Self-love cures everything. Pure and simple.
Be generous with yourself. Allow yourself some pleasure. Read a book. Lay in a hammock. Take a walk. Take a day off and do whatever the hell you want to. Whatever your soul needs.
Give yourself some of that empathy. Empathy is the art of “taking the perspective of another.” What is your perspective? Sometimes we get so busy doing for others we totally ignore our own experience.
Love is the secret weapon.
Use it on yourself.
xoxo,
Brenda
PS Most of us need help to turn on our superpowers of people pleasing and turn off the aspects that diminish and exhaust us. I’ve got three openings in my calendar for one-on-one clients. Let’s hop on a 15-minute call and see if it’s right for you. Schedule your call here. I can’t wait to chat with you.
What if you could ditch self-discipline?
What if brow-beating yourself isn’t really working?
I know. It’s what we’ve been taught.
“Pull yourself up by your boot-straps.”
“When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”
If we’ve learned anything in 2020, it’s that what used to work, doesn’t work anymore.
I’ve got the answer. It’s a question actually. A powerful one.
I ask my clients this question when they are exhausted.
I ask clients when they get stuck with:
· Ending the cycle of being a “People Pleaser”
· The business they want to start – or grow.
· The job they want to leave.
· The body they want to “improve.”
· Starting a new relationship that they want to be different than the last one.
It seems silly. Like it won’t work.
But let me ask you this? When you have a child or pet who you are teaching a new skill to, or wanting them to do something in a new way, how do you do it? (As the ideal parent or pet-owner that you are most of the time.) J
You lovingly lead them. You show them the way. You speak in a loving voice. You cheer them on for the tiniest accomplishment or improvement. You applaud! You give them treats. You brag about them to friends and family.
You don’t yell at them. Tell them losing three pounds is not nearly enough! That they aren’t trying hard enough. They need to put their head down and work harder! Stop complaining! Then throw in a bunch of punishments and penalties every time they fall after their first few steps or pick a cookie instead of broccoli. You would never do that to your child or pet, or anyone else you love.
But we do it to ourselves, all the time.
“What would love do?”
We have this idea that the answer will lead to over-indulging, staying on the couch instead of going to work, never getting any exercise, always choosing the cookie over broccoli.
But would it?
The question in NOT, “what would your inner-rebellious teenager do?”
Love wants the best for you. Love says, yes, to things that are loving. Love can say no.
Love wants you to leave the job or relationship that is not serving you anymore.
Choosing love isn’t always the easiest path.
It’s just the only path that is sustainable.
My calendar is opening for four one-on-one clients right now – one is for you. If you want to learn how to turn self-criticism and self-discipline into self-love, let’s work together. The first step is a free 15-Minute Discovery Call to be sure now is the right time. You’ve got nothing to lose and a lot of love to gain. Book your call here.
Gabrielle and I were models. Along with about a dozen other fabulous women. We instantly hit it off. She’s got a magnetic personality.
Having your picture taken together in your underwear creates a special bond!
That’s how I met this week’s Cocktails and Coaching co-host, Gabrielle Garofalo. We were in a photo shoot for a book, and a movement, frankly, called, BARE. BARE was conceived by Susan Hyatt and is disrupting the diet culture. BARE teaches women how to love the bodies exactly as they are, as a strategy get to their ideal weight.
I’ve been thinking a lot about self-love lately.
It’s so hard to do yet may be the single most powerful tool we have to improve our lives.
If only we really understood the power of loving ourselves.
When I’m loving myself, I make better choices, professionally, in the food I eat, the movement by body gets, my relationships are healthier, I choose better men to date and I feel infinitely more powerful in my life.
Gabrielle and I are excited to spend time with you Wednesday, at 5 pm Pacific/8 pm Eastern in my private FB Group, Live Lavishly: The Art of Sustainable Transformation.
It’s going to be a powerful evening. In addition to modeling with me, Gabrielle is a multi-passionate entrepreneur. She doesn't like to define herself by one role or passion rather the complicated and wonderful sum of her parts. An entrepreneur, marketing consultant, food & drink blogger, coach and mom of three she often finds herself either traveling into NYC to consult with clients or hopping on her paddle board to commune in nature while working up a sweat. You can find her on IG as Gabrielle.Garofalo and on Facebook here.
Gabrielle also teaches women the BARE(TM) process and how to channel passion to purpose at home, in career and in the mirror. I’ll have her tell us more about that on Wednesday!
We love getting questions ahead of time from you! You can ask us any question on any subject here, and join the FB Group, here, if you aren’t a member.
Can’t wait to see you Wednesday at 5 Pacific/8 Eastern for another fabulous episode of Cocktails and Coaching!
Do you have anything in your life, right now, that is bugging the hell out of you?
I do.
It might be a job that drives you nuts or sucks you dry.
Or a relationship where you don’t feel seen or heard and you feel like you want to scream half the time!
It could be your finances, you hate where you live, your car broke down…again… or any number of other things you want to be different.
If I could wave a magic wand and those things would begin to transform into something new… would you like that?
You’ve come to the right place.
I was given the wand today by one of my teacher’s, Kai Shanti. Check out her YouTube Channel and you’ll get to know her magic.
We were talking about a few of the things in my life that are bugging the hell out of me. I am totally, 100% aware that I am resisting them. And I know better. As someone famous said, “What you resist, persists.”
But, knowing you’re resisting and being able to stop it, are two different things.
Yes, I help clients get out of their own resistance all the time. That doesn’t mean I don’t need a little help getting out of mine. We don’t let surgeons operate on themselves for a reason.
At any rate, as I was lamenting my awareness that I was resisting, but also how stuck I was in it, she gave me this perfect metaphor and it changed everything. Instantly.
A sick baby.
She asked me, if I had a sick baby, would I still love it?
Of course I would! I have four kids, this is a metaphor I can totally relate to. If you don’t relate to it, that’s cool, substitute a pet of some sort, or a plant. If you love something or someone and they get sick, you still love them. Your love doesn’t diminish because they are a total pain in the neck!
Let’s face it, sick babies, pets, even plants, can be a pain in the neck. There’s the constant caring for them, which means you probably aren’t getting the rest you need. There are the Dr./Vet/Botanist visits that cost money, take time and aren’t always that helpful. Need I go on?
And, it never changes your love for him/her/it. In fact, sometimes your love deepens.
What if we applied that to ourselves?
Forget the irritating boss, co-worker, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, your finances, your credit score, where you live, etc.
Look at you. Everything about you and your life at the moment. And just like you would do with that sick baby, love it. Love everything about it. Just love it.
When we are in love, pure love, we know that somehow, things will be okay. We’ll get through it. A solution will show itself.
Do we try to change it? Sure.
We don’t look at a sick baby and say, “you’re going to be a sick baby the rest of your life.”
Hell no!
We look for medicine, we look for people who have healed from the disease and see what we can learn, we do research, we try different things. We never give up.
And, we never stop loving the baby. Whether all the things we try work or not.
Today, I encourage you to do what I did.
Love the fucking sick baby!! Love the hell out of her.
Love is always the best way to find a solution or notice a synchronicity or get some inspired action.
Love is the opposite of resistance. You can’t resist the baby and love the baby, so without even trying, your resistance will drop away, because of the power of your love.
I’d be honored to help you figure out how to love your sick baby and move towards whatever the path to healing is.
I’ve got a few spots open for one-on-one clients. Let’s explore if it’s right for you. Book a free 15-minute Discovery Call and we’ll figure it out and go from there.
You might also like my 100 Days of Living Orgasmically video series. Yes, I’m using orgasm as a metaphor, and it’s an amazing one. Check out the entire playlist here. You can’t live orgasmically if you’re not loving your sick baby. This I know for sure.
Anxiety hits all of us at some point.
Sometimes it’s hot, heavy and never-ending.
Sometimes it rushes in, out of nowhere, and grabs us by the throat.
It drives us into fear. Imagining terrible outcomes.
It’s always reminding us of something awful in the past or warning us about something awful in the future.
It masquerades as “helpful.”
As if it’s going to make you extra smart or extra resourceful in order to prevent or circumvent a terrible outcome it is imagining or remembering.
Think about it though.
Is it really helpful?
Does it really help you find your most creative, best possible outcome? Does it bring you to the best version of yourself?
No.
Our best ideas, our best problem-solving skills come out of a place of peace and love. That’s why we ask friends and family for help when we’re struggling. We know they will think of something we won’t. Because they aren’t in anxiety about the situation.
Would you like to turn down the volume on your anxiety and turn up the volume on peace and love?
Then join me for From Darkness to Light. It’s a four-week, small group, coaching program. I’m only allowing 10 people in the group. It’s for men and women. We’re going to face anxiety head-on with tools and life-hacks that will turn down that volume. You’ll move you towards the peace and love that moves you into better decisions, less stress and into a better version of yourself.
I’ve priced it at a super reasonable $99. Get all the deets here and register. It won’t be a mistake, I promise. Your anxiety might not like it, but isn’t that the point??? <3 <3
Moving too fast. Doing too much. Wanting too much. Risking too much. Too much.
Maybe you can relate to this. Since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to do a lot, see a lot, laugh a lot, be too loud, and live an exciting life. As you might guess, that got me in a little bit of trouble from time-to-time when I was young. As an adult, it’s gotten me into lots of trouble! I can’t tell you how many times people have told me, in one way or another, that I am too much. Sometimes they mean it admirably, sometimes, not so much.
What do I mean? I’ve had two businesses that I sold, and third that I’m in the process of growing. I’ve left dream jobs to follow a different dream. I’ve moved. Holy smokes have I moved. I moved my family (3 teenagers, one in elementary school) from their home in NC to PA. Since then I’ve moved in PA nine times, once I make my next move in a few weeks. I’ve left two marriages and one significant relationship. I put all my belongings in storage and went to San Diego for eight months to recover from a break-up and decide who I wanted to be when I grew up. I was 53. Am I a flake?
A friend once described me as someone who jumps out of an airplane without knowing if I have a parachute, believing I’ve either got one or somehow I’ll find one on my way down. I’ve had friends imply that I leave relationships too quickly. Reminding me that all relationships have their rough patches and I leave before my partner and I can get past that. I know I’ve given my mother, my friends, and maybe my adult children, a few sleepless nights with this adventurous life I’ve led.
Nothing. Not one damn thing. Was some of it painful? Sure. Was some of it scary? Hell yes.
But here’s the interesting thing I recently realized.
Even with the wisdom of hindsight, there’s not one relationship I wish I had stayed in longer.
There’s not one job I wish I hadn’t left.
There’s not one risk I wish I hadn’t taken.
No regrets.
I love that I take risks. I love that I leave when I know in my gut that the job or the business or the relationship isn’t working. I don’t waste time on things that don’t work.
I know it’s not the life that everyone wants, that’s okay too. But it’s the life I want.
A very good friend said recently, “you won’t stop until there’s a tombstone over you.” He was right. The older I get, the more I challenge my pre-conceived ideas of what’s possible after 50. After 60. After 70…I don’t want to stop. Slow down. Quit risking. Quit loving. Quit growing.
What do you like, or how do you live in ways that are outside of the ordinary? Ways that might invite criticism or disbelief from others? I’d love to hear how you might be considered "too much."
I hope you’ll continue with me in the journey of being too much! I don’t plan on stopping and I hope you won’t either!
Maybe you don't feel like you have any creative juice to get flowing! I'm here to tell you, that's not true!
All of us are creative.
We all have ideas.
Every new invention, every piece of art, every object in this beautiful world began as an idea. A thought.
Every time we take a thought, or idea, and make it real, turn it into form, we are creating.
When you think of it that way, you've created a lot!
It's a lot easier to turn those thoughts and ideas into form when we give ourselves the space to cultivate and nurture our creative juices. Sometimes we spontaneously create something. The idea comes out of nowhere, we act on it and BAM! There it is! The painting, the blog post, the book, the freshly cooked dinner.
For me, it's much more likely that I create a space for myself that encourages my creative juices. What does that mean? I set the intention for this weekend to be one of creative space. I have a new program I'll be releasing soon, I want to free up some time to do more one-on-one coaching and I have some ideas about cool stuff I want to create for the holidays (they'll be here before we know it!) What will I do this weekend to make creative space for myself? Here's how it will look
What are you yearning to create in your life?
Will you give yourself the time and space to create it?
This I know for sure, the world needs what you yearn to create.
