People Pleasing in the Bedroom 🙄

It’s time to talk about how people pleasing affects us in the bedroom. 

This is a subject near and dear to my heart, because I’ve lived through sexual abuse as a child and a truly disfunctional sex life in my first marriage. 

When that marriage was over one of my most prevailing thoughts, even though I had four kids from 8 - 15 years old that I needed to support on my own when I didn’t make enough money to do that… was, yay! I never have to have sex again! 

I know. Hard to believe! 

This is a big topic that I can’t do justice to in one blog, but let’s start the conversation. 

When we are in our people pleasing habits that keep us prioritizing our partners wants, needs, feelings, likes and dislikes, we can’t be in our authentic power. When we aren’t in our authentic power, we can’t be authentic lovers. 

We can have sex. We can say yes, when we want to say no. We can tell ourselves it’s what’s expected of a good wife/husband. (Yes, ladies, there are plenty of men who are people pleasers in and out of the bedroom and it doesn’t serve them any more than it does us.) We can go through the motions, but the best sex is always when we’re really present. 

That’s why, for those of you who have experienced it, it can be easier to have great sex with a stranger. There’s not any relationship baggage and we tend to be present. Our bodies were made for pleasure. If we show up and are present, it unusually turns out to be pretty good! 

How do we get our power back in the bedroom? How do we stop saying yes when we mean no, or prioritizing what our partner wants over what we want? 

The first step is deciding it’s important for you to get what you want and need in the bedroom. You’ve got to believe you have the right for your wants and needs to be a priority. Of course, in a healthy relationship we share who’s needs get priority if our needs are conflicting, but it can’t always be your lover’s turn! 

The second step is to know what you want. 

Wait. 

That might be a problem. 

If you’ve been prioritizing your lover for a long time, you might have lost touch with what you want in bed. What gives you the most pleasure. What is fun to you. If you’ve lost touch with your own pleasures, it’s time to go back to when you were a kid and innocently enjoyed exploring your  body and sexual stimulation. 

I grew up in such a sexually dysfunctional family, I didn’t do any innocent exploration of my body or sexual pleasures until I was in my 30’s. Yep. That’s not a typo! So… If I made it to sexual pleasure and freedom, you can too! 

Start. Take one step. Then take another. 

If you need some help, I’m here for you. 

This is a perfect issue to get some one-on-one coaching for. 

I promise, no matter where you’re at, there’s hope. You can have fantastic sex and feel authentic power in the bedroom. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to figure it all out. I’m here to gently guide you into your authentic sexual expression. Hit reply, your email is confidential and I’m the only one who will see it.

In power and pleasure, 

Brenda

Do you need some relief?

What a year! 

What a holiday season! 

I’m sure you’ve got a lot going on that isn’t the way you planned for it to be. 

I want you to get some relief! 

While I can’t come cook you a meal or give you a much deserved massage, what I can do is give you an hour that is totally devoted to you and what you need. 

Last week one of my clients said, “I realized today, I’m always happy on the days we talk!” 

Not only is that the best testimonial ever - it speaks to the benefit of coaching. 

It feels so good to spend an hour with someone (me) who is 100% focused on what you want and need. The bonus is you’ll leave the hour with at least one thing you can do to get more of what you want and need.

The priceless part of the hour is what you’ll feel. Relief. Cared for. Attended to. Seen. Heard. 

I’m offering a special holiday rate of $97 for a single session. It will be the best $97 you’ve invested in yourself. 

Give yourself the gift of relief. You can pay and book all in one spot. Easy Peasy. Click HERE.

Does this Surprise You?

The other day my 10 year old grandson said, “Grandma B, I really like how you respect my boundaries. Not everyone does.” 

You can pick yourself up off the floor now! 

First of all, that this 10 year old boy is so emotionally intelligent that he knows what boundaries are and how to set them is a miracle and testament to his Mom and Dad. 

Second, because I grew up with a Mother who had no boundaries, and I didn’t learn what boundaries were until I was in my 30’s, that comment was a huge compliment to me! 

People Pleasers usually suck at setting boundaries and often they don’t respect other’s. Not because they aren’t willing. It’s more like they don’t understand boundaries, so they don’t know how to respect them. I’ve coached people who didn't even really know what a boundary is. 

What’s your relationship with boundaries? 

Are you able to set boundaries? 

To say, “No,” when you mean no. 

To tell someone you don’t want to hear their racist jokes. 

To speak up when someone does or says something that diminishes or dismisses you. 

Boundaries give us confidence. 

Boundaries are an act of self-care and self-love. 

Do you need help with setting boundaries? 

That’s what I’m here for. 

I’ve got a Boundaries for People Pleasers Package that’s perfect for you! You’ll get four private sessions with me, plus worksheets to support your boundary setting during our four sessions and beyond.  

You’ll learn what to say and what to do to get your boundaries in place. Once you have your boundaries identified, you need to learn how to communicate them clearly. Then you need to know what to do when they aren’t respected! After these four sessions, you’ll be the boundary Queen or King! 

Email me, brenda@brendaflorida.com and I’ll tell you more about the Boundaries for People Pleasers Package. It’s just what the doctor ordered!

The Million Dollar Question?

I’ve got a podcast coming your way on Sunday! 

I’m so excited to deliver a weekly video podcast that will help you Liberate Your People Pleaser! 

And yes, that’s the name! Liberate Your People Pleaser! I’ll send you the link to “Episode 1: You Don’t Need Fixing” on Sunday. I’ll post it on social media, it will be on podcast services like Spotify… I’m making a big splash!!

Until then, here’s my million dollar question… what would change your life in a dramatic way? 

No, not winning the lottery. Something more precious than money.  

Something that would allow you to let go of something that diminishes you or makes you feel trapped? 

Something that triggers self-criticism and doubt? 

Something that makes you feel like you aren’t good enough in some way. 

We all have them. What’s the question or situation that would liberate you, if you had a solution or answer to it?

Private Message me or tell me about it in the comments. I’ll feature it on a future podcast. And, not to worry, your identity will be kept private. Your question is safe with me.

Is This a Time For Decadence?

I think it is! 

The decadence of knowing who we are. 

The decadence of knowing how we can best serve the world. 

The decadence of unapologetic self expression. 

Does it seem like a pipe-dream to you? 

What is your relationship with decadence like? Troubled? Thriving? You’re strangers who have never met? You met and were too scared to see what it had to offer? 

It’s a topic we’ve been exploring in my private FB Group, Liberate Your People Pleaser this week. I’ve done several FB Lives. Check them out and join, if you aren’t a member, HERE.

Tell me about it in the comments below or email me at brenda@brendaflorida.com

It’s a topic I’ll be teaching on in my new virtual workshop, Own Your Brilliance. (More to come on that in the coming weeks.)

I can’t wait to hear about you and decadence!

Did I Just Hear a Dirty Word?

People Pleaser.

It’s not a dirty word because it’s bad. Or because there’s something “wrong” with people who are people pleasers!

I’m one.

It’s a dirty word because of what it does to us.

Our people pleaser will get us twisted into a knot before we know it.

We’re second-guessing everything.

We lose our confidence.

Feel like an imposter.

Anxiety levels skyrocket as we try to figure out how to make everyone happy.

But how do we stop?

We stop by loving ourselves. Simple, yet profound.

Turn it all inward baby!

Here’s the really awesome thing about being a people pleaser – this is why I said there wasn’t anything “wrong” with being one…

We are very generous.

We are loving.

We are intuitive.

We are empathetic.

I could go on and on.

People pleasing is like chocolate cake. A little bit is great, but you can make yourself sick on too much!

Too much unchecked generosity, love and empathy will get us using those super-powers of intuition, love, generosity and empathy in ways that exhausts and drains us.

Our boundaries go weak.

We stop taking care of ourselves.

We feel like there’s never enough time.

We worry… a lot!

Let’s clean things up.

Tune into yourself. Yes, it’s okay to use that intuition on yourself! What do you need?

Love yourself. I work with clients on this all the time. Self-love cures everything. Pure and simple.

Be generous with yourself. Allow yourself some pleasure. Read a book. Lay in a hammock. Take a walk. Take a day off and do whatever the hell you want to. Whatever your soul needs.

Give yourself some of that empathy. Empathy is the art of “taking the perspective of another.” What is your perspective? Sometimes we get so busy doing for others we totally ignore our own experience.

Love is the secret weapon.

Use it on yourself.

xoxo,

Brenda

PS Most of us need help to turn on our superpowers of people pleasing and turn off the aspects that diminish and exhaust us. I’ve got three openings in my calendar for one-on-one clients. Let’s hop on a 15-minute call and see if it’s right for you. Schedule your call here. I can’t wait to chat with you.

Are You Ready For Your Turn?

Do you feel like you’ve given… and given… and given…

You want YOUR TURN!

Our lifestyles are different now. There’s no “normal.”

We’re home… a lot!

Your “invisible workload” has increased.

You probably know about the invisible workload. It’s all the things you do and keep track of in your head that nobody notices… unless you don’t do it, or forget something!

All women have an invisible workload. Some men do, but this is mainly a feminine issue.

You keep track of what’s in the fridge, what everyone likes, and doesn’t like, whose birthday is coming up and has a card or gift been purchased, wrapped, mailed? Is it time to buy cat food/dog food/gerbil food? Not to mention the important question of 2020… do we have toilet paper in the house!

And it’s not just the physical needs. Often, you are caring for the emotional needs of family and friends. You are helping them with their anxiety.

It’s easy to put the needs of others ahead of our own.

There’s a price to pay when you don’t take your turn.

I’ve learned the hard way, the exhausted way, that I am the only one who can call a time-out and give MYSELF A TURN! I had to wake up to my unique deliciousness.

You have a unique deliciousness about you.

You’re tired, frustrated and at your wits end because she is asking you to notice her. For you to step into her power and love.

We’ve been conditioned to be asleep, to forget about our unique deliciousness.

Most of us have been taught that our unique deliciousness is not as important as the needs and wants of others. Or that it’s selfish to focus on it. Hell, some of us were taught that we don’t even have unique deliciousness.

It’s not true!

You are a unique delicious gift to the world. The one and only.

Breathe that in.

Wake up to your unique deliciousness. She’s been calling you.  

Give yourself one hour in the next day or two.

Choose to be awake, remember and get to know your unique deliciousness. You didn’t lose her. You don’t need to find her. She’s right there, waiting.

·      Read a book

·      Take a nap

·      Go for a walk

·      Listen to something inspirational

·      Take a bath

·      Watch side-splitting YouTube videos

I can’t wait to hear what you did and how you felt with your unique deliciousness! Hit reply and tell me about it.

If it feels too impossible find your unique deliciousness or you don’t think you have it, definitely hit reply and tell me about that!  

In love, from my unique deliciousness to yours,

Brenda

P.S. I’ve got 3 spots open, right now, for one-on-one clients. Hit reply and let me know you’re interested in exploring what it would be like to work together. Your unique deliciousness has important information for you. We can tap into her together. You don’t need to figure it out alone.