Two Things to Leave Behind in 2019

There are two things all of us need to leave behind in 2019.

No matter who you are.

No matter where you are.

Leave these two things.

Comparison and Failure.

Comparison is such an insidious beast. We compare ourselves to others and how their lives look on Facebook or Instagram, we compare how we dress, our bodies, our relationships, sex lives, businesses, professional lives, our kids, pets… everything. The smallest thing can trigger a comparison.

Failure is another wrecking ball in our lives. Something doesn’t go as planned; something is much harder than we anticipated, and we don’t reach a goal in the timeframe imagined. A business goes south, we file bankruptcy, we close the business, we get fired, we drown in a job we hate and are afraid to leave, we fail our kids, fail our relationships, fail, fail, fail. And our mind, through that ever-present mind-chatter, gives us all the evidence to convince us that we definitely failed.

There is a commonly held belief that comparison and identifying our failures is “helpful.” It is a tool to “protect us” from future failures or to learn something. Here’s what I have to say to that. Bullshit.

Bullshit. Labeling something as a failure isn’t what protects you or teaches you the life lesson involved. In fact, the shame spiral of failure can keep you from the lesson or distort the lesson.

Comparison doesn’t protect us or teach us anything either. It diminishes us. We come out of the comparison lacking in some way.

The best thing you can do to protect yourself and learn your lessons is to continually tune into your inner guidance. That still soft voice. That doesn’t mean nothing will ever go “wrong.” Life would be incredibly boring if there was no adventure. No sorrow to contrast the joy. No pain to contrasts the pleasure. I think you’re like me and you want to live life to the fullest! Not in some bubble of perfection, even though the only place that exists is in our own fantasies.

You and I have one, unique, beautiful, glorious life. No one else has the same life I do, or you do, so there’s really no one we can compare ourselves to. There’s no such thing as failure because everything we do that “doesn’t work” or is an apparent set-back, gives us something to help us move forward, in our own, unique way.

That’s it. It’s you.

There’s no one like you. No one has your gift to give to the world. No one compares to you. Nothing you do is a failure. Everything is for you, in order to grow you into the greatest expression of your unique self.

Let’s ring in the new year in boldness. Claiming our unique, beautiful expression.

Failure and comparison are so... 2019!

When Life Throws Sh*t at you... I'll show you a way out!

I love inspiring stories!

Especially the rags to riches kind.

When my life is in turmoil, when I'm struggling to get up and keep going, I wonder, how did they get through those bad days?

When great people tell their story and include the adversity they've overcome, we're inspired. But they rarely talk about how they got up every day and went to work or took care of the kids, when they were drowning in despair and hopelessness.

I've had a lot of ups and downs in my life. Times when I wasn't sure how to go on. But, I had to keep going. Life keeps moving. So I did too.

Over the course of my life, I've gotten better at how I navigate those times when I'm not sure I can keep going. I do it with less fear. Less anxiety. I've even learned how to cultivate peace and self-love, BECAUSE things were so hard, not despite the difficulty.

Since becoming a life coach I've had several conversations with other coaches about these, dark nights of the soul, and how few coaches, books or programs really address how to navigate a really terrible time. Everyone agreed with me. "Yeah, no one really talks much about it."

I decided to create it. The program that will show you how.

From Darkness to Light is a four-week group coaching program. We'll meet for an hour a week via free video conferencing.

I'm going to teach and coach. The group will support and encourage each other.

Everyone will get down-to-earth tools to get through the day, when the day is shitty.

If you, or someone you know, is experiencing a difficult time, please join us.

I'm only charging $99 because I know that difficult times often hit your finances.

Get all the details below and register for our May group. All sessions are recorded.

You can move From Darkness to Light. I've done it, I'll be your guide.

The Dreaded "Dark Night of the Soul"

A ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ is when you’re drowning in difficult circumstances.

When the things that used to work, when life served you lemons, don’t work.

You can’t figure out how to make lemonade out of this.

Is there something wrong?

It’s easy to drop into all the disempowering questions, like, “what am I doing wrong?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why does life have to be so hard?”

Equally easy is what I call, compare and despair. That’s when it seems like everyone you encounter is thriving in the area(s) of life you’re being challenged in. Which brings up thoughts like, “How come they can do it/get it and I can’t?” Which usually takes us right back to “What’s wrong with me?”

Every great person I admire has had at least one dark night of the soul. But we hear their stories after they are on the other side. Eckhart Tolle and the two years he lived on a park bench before writing “The Power of Now” and became a wealthy world-famous author and spiritual leader.

Oprah and her years of poverty, abuse and so much more, before becoming a celebrated talk-show host and billionaire.

How did they navigate those years, living on a park bench, in poverty, abused?

And how do I consciously navigate and get through my dark night of the soul?

I don’t want to be a victim. I want to figure out what is here for me in this dark time.   

A dark night of the soul becomes a great part of our story, when we’re on the other side, we have evolved to the next level of our journey.

After a dark night of the soul, something better, bigger, brighter emerges.

That’s why they are “worth it.”

Why I don’t want to numb-out or runaway when one enters my life.

When my dark night of the soul hits, I endeavor to embrace it and ask empowering questions, “what is wanting to emerge in me now?” “What is the next highest expression of myself and who do I need to become in order to live it?”

When you’re swimming in fear, anxiety, despair and all you can imagine are terrible futures; the one where you run out of money, or get a bad diagnosis, lose the relationship, end up a bag lady or live on the street, it’s really hard to keep a vision of the “next-best” version of yourself and your life.

I know. I’ve been there. So,

I’m creating a life-raft.

It’s the life-raft I needed.

So, you can stop drowning in the downward spiral of anxiety and catastrophe driven thoughts.

I’ve been collecting tools and strategies for years.

I’m calling it, “From Darkness to Light.”

It’s a four-week group coaching program, for men and women.. I’m pricing it super-easy, because I know that sometimes, a dark night of the soul hits your bank account and I want you to have the tools and experience the support you’ll get when you join the program.

I want you to go. From Darkness to Light.

Email me and let me know that you’re interested. No one but me will see the email.

I’ll open registration later this week.

I love you and want you to go from darkness to light. It’s possible. You don’t have to do it alone.

Love Yourself Into Life

I had a client recently who shared a self-destructive habit with me that she was ready to let go of. She had worked on it before with other trained professionals, without much affect. She wanted to see if I could help her.

We all have self-destructive habits. We may shop too much, drink too much, hurt ourselves physically, hook-up with abusive men (o women,) deny ourselves what we need and most of us shame ourselves with brutal self-criticism.

Whichever your current form of self-abuse is, I encourage you to work with it as I coached my client to. But, know before you start, this is a tad radical.

I want you to love yourself into life.

I hear you. There’s a cynical voice in your head right now that is saying, “that won’t work!.”

You think you need discipline or “fixing.”

Let’s face it, we often feel like we’re “broken” or “not good enough.” The obvious answer is to whip ourselves into shape!

I bet you’ve tried that. My clients try it.

It doesn’t work.

It isn’t sustainable.

We can’t discipline or beat ourselves into our next break-through.

Your next break-through, the one that changes you forever, will come from love.

A deep sense of how lovable and worthy you are. Period. No matter what.

Not loving yourself because you successfully complete certain tasks, or hit your ideal weight or stop a destructive behavior.

Loving yourself because you are. You are. You are a unique spark of the Divine.

 Created to spread your special magic into the world.

My client got her big break-through.

Are you ready for yours?

Email me and let me know what you’re ready to break-through in your life. We can get to work on loving you back to life this week!

I can’t…

What do you tell yourself you can’t do?

You can’t:

• Lose weight

• Get into shape

• Surf (that was mine, more about that later)

• Handle money responsibly

• Get a better job

• Start a business

• Ask for a raise

• Tell your spouse to stop doing what you don’t like

• Ask for what you want in bed

• Set a boundary with a friend

• Stop taking care of others, even when you’re drained because they need you

• Afford to take a vacation

I don’t care what it is. We tell ourselves all the time, that we can’t.

I’m sick of it!

I hate to rant… sort of, but this one kills me.

Either we can do it, or we don’t want to.

Because if we really want to, we’ll find a way. Otherwise, let’s be honest and say, “I don’t want to.”

It’s okay not to want to. You can, not-want-to put in the effort to get a better job, ask for a raise or start a business. Or, maybe you don’t really want to lose weight, get into shape or surf. While we live in a culture that values money, prestige, being thin and physically fit, you can buck the system and say, nope. That isn’t me. I don’t want to.

Cool. I can get behind that!

Here’s what I can’t get behind.

You have a thought that tells you, you aren’t good enough to do one of those things you want to do. Or a thought that tells you that you’re too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too out of shape, that your husband won’t listen, or your friend won’t respect your boundary, or you haven’t made enough money to go on vacation!

Those are the thoughts I cannot abide.

Those thoughts are not true.

I’ve told myself for the last couple of years that I can’t learn to surf. I’m too old, too out of shape, it’s too late for me. Then I met Alex. She’s a genius when it comes to the body and what’s possible. I told her I really wanted to surf, but couldn’t, because I was too old and out of shape and she said, “that’s not true! I can help you get into shape to surf. I’ll show you what to do and you do it. In six weeks, you’ll have confidence in your ability to surf.” *Note, that doesn’t mean I’ll be ready to surf, but I’ll know I can get there. Alex is honest as well as motivating!

I’m not saying I can’t surf anymore.  I am saying that I can get into shape so that I can.

As far as losing weight goes, that’s clear, I don’t want to.

It’s incredibly liberating to be honest with ourselves.

What do you need to be honest with yourself about?

If you really don’t want to do it, even if it’s not popular, just be honest and say, you don’t want to. You’ll feel how freaking liberating that is!

If you want to do something and you don’t know how to get there, like me with surfing, then stop saying you can’t, and find someone who can help you! That’s why we need fitness trainers, coaches and all other types of teachers and mentors. They help us get where we want to be when can’t seem to get ourselves there.

Just do it, as Nike says. Hire the coach, hire the fitness trainer, book the vacation, lose the weight, whatever it is that you want…you CAN do it!

I’d love to chat with you about whether or not I can help you in the coaching department. It’s super easy, schedule a 10-minute call with this link, and we’ll figure it out. Easy, peasy.

xoxo,
Brenda

Have you ever gotten yourself into a pickle?

I love that southern expression, "I'm in a real pickle!" 

You might be in a pickle if you wreck your car, lose your job, your bank account drops dangerously low, you just broke up with you boyfriend/girlfriend, are getting divorced, or any number of things that suck. 

Here's the deal. 

It's easy to get self-critical and judgmental when we're in a pickle. 

"Why didn't I see that coming?" 

"Why didn't I do something different along the way?" 

"I always mess up my _________ (fill in the blank with your favorite answer; job, relationship, finances, etc.)"

"I must have done something wrong or this wouldn't have happened." (My personal favorite.)

I was coaching a client recently who said one of these to me about her life. As always, it stops me dead in my tracks. 

I mean, do we really think it's possible to do everything right so we never get in a pickle? 

I don't want to burst your bubble, but it's not possible. 

And...you didn't do anything wrong and you don't alway screw-up anything. Sure, we have patterns and lessons to learn. That's fine. Those thoughts aren't as stressful as the ones I'm talking about.

The thoughts I'm talking about are the ones that cut you to your core. That judge you and leave you feeling in lack, or less than, or not good enough. Those thoughts are always a lie. 

You are a gorgeous human being. Human beings are not perfect. Humans beings live in a world that isn't perfect. That means....

Sometimes, you get in a pickle. And that's okay. Don't judge yourself. Learn your lesson, if there is one, and move on. Love yourself enough to know, there will always be another pickle. It's part of the journey. 

Fail Spectacularly!

Have You Ever Failed Spectacularly?

It's not any fun when it's happening, but if you're like me, you learn a lot when you fail spectacularly!

Lessons Learned

Recently I was watching the Shirley MacLaine movie, The Last Word. It's a great movie! MacLaine talks about this idea that we should welcome failure, and the bigger the better.

I know I've had my biggest growth spurts emotionally, professionally and spiritually after big failures, so it got me thinking.

Check out today's video and let me know what you think in the comments. Have you experienced great growth after a spectacular failure?

Get videos and other cool  stuff to Live Lavishly every day right here.

What if Failure is a Lie?

I have been thinking about failure and whether failure is a lie or the truth. I know when I’m in the throws of failure, all the negative self-talk I tell myself feels incredibly true. But, then I’ve learned that those loud negative voices are never true. This lovely sunset photo was taken in the aftermath of multiple failures that led me to living in San Diego for eight months, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. Let's get back to, what if failure is a lie?

Failure

Let’s consider a few of my failures.

I didn’t get the job.

I didn’t ask for a raise.

I tripped and dropped dinner on the floor.

I ended the marriage.

I left a friendship.

A friend left me.

I forgot to pick the kids up.

I left my baby at home…alone…she was only a few months old! (Totally true)

I could go on, but you get the idea. No doubt, you could make your own list. We’re so good at remembering the failures.

And yet, is it true? Were they failures?

Every one of my failures took me to a better place. Even the whole thing with leaving the baby home alone. It turned out okay. She was asleep the entire time (about 10 minutes that felt like 10 hours!) and was safe and sound when we rushed home the second we realized we had left her in her crib rather than putting her in the car seat. Still, I don’t recommend leaving your baby home, but the truth is, I never did it again and I learned not to be judgmental of the mistakes any of us can make with our kids.

The end of a relationship started me on the spiral that took me to San Diego for eight months. Let's see, was that a spiral of failure? Or was it really success?

Growth spurts

Do you ever feel like you have growth spurts in your life? Where you learn a big lesson and you look back and think, wow. I’ve come a long way! It’s such an awesome feeling! And when does it happen? Usually, after one of those failures.

When I look back there was always some event, or series of events, that preceded a big growth spurt in my life. How could it possibly be a failure if it was followed by something great?

I’ve discovered that failure is a lie. How about you?

Failure is a lie

Make a list of a couple of your failures. Then look at them and ask yourself, “what did I learn?” or “what opened up for me after that event?” You might be amazed, as I was, to discover the story you told yourself, about your failures, was a lie. They were successes. Not the variety of success we had in mind, but we are better because of them. And isn’t the very definition of success to be better than you were?

I’d love to hear what you labeled as failure that you can now look at as a success?

When you know that failure is a lie, what are you inspired to do or try or create?

Share your story in the comments below.