I bet this has happened to you…

Unsolicited advice. 

As people pleasers there are a lot of times we feel like we really need to tell someone what we see, or think they need. 

We see what others need because of our powerful gift of intuition, empathy and insight. 

Here’s the problem. 

To them, it’s unsolicited advice. 

So what do we do? 

Are we holding our tongue and not speaking our truth if we don’t say anything? 

I’ll clear all this up in today's episode, which was inspired by an email I received recently from a listener. 

So, keep those emails, comments and DMs coming! I love to address your specific challenge or question here on Liberate Your People Pleaser. 

Can You Be a People Pleaser in the Bedroom?

One of the tell-tale signs of people pleasing, when it’s not one of our super-powers, is that we aren’t really clear on what it is that we want. 

We get so wrapped up in what we think other people want and need, we can lose track of our own wants and needs. 

That can be disastrous in the bedroom. Trust me, I know. 

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I share a very personal story of my journey from being sexually abused as a kid and thinking I was frigid in my marriage to liberating myself to a fun and pleasurable life in the bedroom! 

If I can do it, so can you. 

I’ve got the first step for you in today’s episode. Listen to it HERE. 

Please DM me or email me if you need support in this area. You do not need to figure it out alone. I’m here as your guide on the journey. 

In love and pleasure, 

Brenda

Have you heard of Partner Pleasing?

It’s how people pleasing affects your relationship. 

See if this feels familiar? 

You're empathetic, so you tend to prioritize your partner's

• likes/dislikes

• how he feels

• his interests

• his ideas of fun and pleasure

You like harmony and tend to "keep the peace" so you accommodate him with:

• money

• time together

• sex

• hobbies

• the kids

• household chores

In today’s Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m going to give you two powerful tools for escaping Partner Pleasing. Listen to the episode HERE.

I’m curious about your experience as a partner pleaser. Share in the comments, DM or email me and let me know how it’s impacted you.

You are THE Gift!

We’ve all got gift giving on our minds right now. 

The holidays can be extra stressful for people pleasers. 

We tend to say yes to even more than we usually do. 

We’re extra invested in “keeping the peace.” 

Then we wind up getting angry and resentful. 

And let’s face it, this year has been so strange and stressful already! 

How do we stop the madness? 

How can we say no when we need to and enjoy the season without silencing ourselves to “keep the peace?” 

I’ve got the answer… the secret is you. 

You are THE Gift. 

You see, inside you is an Inner-Loving-Presence. Think of it as the ideal, loving mother that you probably didn’t have. 

She knows exactly what you need to say no to, or put off until after the holidays, or get some help with. 

She also knows when to let something go and when you need to speak up. 

We can’t usually hear her wise guidance because the noise of “life” is too loud. 

Here’s what I’d like you to try, whether you’re already overwhelmed or not. 

Look at your “to-do” list and create a quiet, peaceful space for yourself. You can sit in your car, get up early, stay up late, plop the kids in front of their screens, hide in the garage… it doesn’t matter. 

The key is to silence the noise of life and set the intention to connect with and hear this quiet and wise Inner-Loving-Presence within you. She’ll never shout at you, shame you or tell you that you aren’t doing enough. She loves you. She loves you No. Matter. What. You can fall short, screw up, forget something important. It doesn’t matter. Surround yourself in her No. Matter. What. Unconditional. Love. 

Then take another look at that to-do list. 

What needs to come off? 

What do you need to ask for help with? 

What needs to be altered a bit, so it’s more fun and joyful? 

Who do you need to say no to, even if you’ve already said yes? 

Trust her. Her wisdom will serve you. It will bring you more peace and joy, rather than the resentment and anger that people pleasing tends to leave us with. 

Wondering how to make those adjustments to your to-do list? How to have the conversations? How to actually tell you family you can’t come home for the holidays?

I’ve got you! 

Consider it a little stocking stuffer. 

I’m offering a limited Holiday Single Session for $97. That’s a 35% discount! Whether you’re a new client or returning one, book your Holiday Single Session HERE.

Less Screaming! More....

I was talking to someone about a new package I’m putting together for people pleasers who are dating and in relationships. 

It’s one of the most important packages I’ve created. 

You see, so many qualities that make us people pleasers, suck the energy out of us and make us resentful in our relationships. 

It’s really hard to be seen and heard by your lover when you’re trying so hard to “keep the peace,” and “not rock the boat.” 

I told her how I was creating this package to coach people who are dating, or in romantic relationships, on how to avoid the terrible experience of NOT being seen and heard by their lover. 

She said, “Oh! Like, scream less and screw more!” 

Boom! 

I couldn’t have said it better myself! 

There’s always that fight that we have on a routine basis. The details of the story might change, but the underlying topic is the same. 

And, under the topic, is the dynamic. The number one complaint of romantic relationships:

You don’t feel seen and heard. 

Why is that such a big deal? 

Because we can’t feel valued when we aren’t seen and heard. 

Being dismissed or ignored is the equivalent of being devalued. Period.  

Your lover - my lover -  might not have “meant” to devalue us, but, it’s the natural experience of not being seen and heard. 

I’ve learned how to be seen and heard. 

That’s why I’m so passionate about coaching others on how to be seen and heard! 

Today, I’ll give you one tip to get you headed in the right direction. 

Tip #1 for being seen and heard:

Make sure you see and hear yourself before trying to get your lover to see and hear you. 

Wait? What? 

No, this is not a trick. And, yes, you read that right. 

It starts with you - with me. 

You see, as a people pleaser we’ve been trained to ignore ourselves. To make what other people want and need more important than what we want and need. 

The first obstacle to overcome is our own habit of self-dismissal. Self-devaluing. 

Write yourself a letter. Record a message. Tell yourself what it is that you are wanting your love to see and hear. Listen to yourself. See yourself. Honor your want or need. Give it value. 

Notice how that feels. 

Take the time to revel in your own validation of your own want or need. It’s so much more powerful than you might imagine. 

After you’ve reveled in it, feel free to share it with your lover. Your energy and communication will have shifted because you began where all things begin. With you. Inside you. 

That’s where the magic is.

Does this Surprise You?

The other day my 10 year old grandson said, “Grandma B, I really like how you respect my boundaries. Not everyone does.” 

You can pick yourself up off the floor now! 

First of all, that this 10 year old boy is so emotionally intelligent that he knows what boundaries are and how to set them is a miracle and testament to his Mom and Dad. 

Second, because I grew up with a Mother who had no boundaries, and I didn’t learn what boundaries were until I was in my 30’s, that comment was a huge compliment to me! 

People Pleasers usually suck at setting boundaries and often they don’t respect other’s. Not because they aren’t willing. It’s more like they don’t understand boundaries, so they don’t know how to respect them. I’ve coached people who didn't even really know what a boundary is. 

What’s your relationship with boundaries? 

Are you able to set boundaries? 

To say, “No,” when you mean no. 

To tell someone you don’t want to hear their racist jokes. 

To speak up when someone does or says something that diminishes or dismisses you. 

Boundaries give us confidence. 

Boundaries are an act of self-care and self-love. 

Do you need help with setting boundaries? 

That’s what I’m here for. 

I’ve got a Boundaries for People Pleasers Package that’s perfect for you! You’ll get four private sessions with me, plus worksheets to support your boundary setting during our four sessions and beyond.  

You’ll learn what to say and what to do to get your boundaries in place. Once you have your boundaries identified, you need to learn how to communicate them clearly. Then you need to know what to do when they aren’t respected! After these four sessions, you’ll be the boundary Queen or King! 

Email me, brenda@brendaflorida.com and I’ll tell you more about the Boundaries for People Pleasers Package. It’s just what the doctor ordered!

When is it ‘Good Enough?”

Do you ever struggle with being a perfectionist? You keep going back to the project you’re working on and making changes, adjustments, re-analyzing if it’s good enough. 

I’ve had a huge dose of, “is it good enough?” this week! 

You see I’ve been dreaming of creating a podcast for months. 

Then I started working on it. 

The episodes. The distribution. The website. The logo. The content. All. The. Things. 

I decided to push “publish.” 

So, here it is, in all its imperfection, Episode 1 of my new podcast, Liberate Your People Pleaser!  

No, I don’t love the website, I wish the title on the episode image was at the top, instead of the bottom… but, when you push play… it works! Victory!

What are you working on that you need to “push publish” on? What project, activity, creative endeavor, business venture, career change or even relationship issue is it time to stop striving for perfection and just “publish” it? 

Perfectionism is a lie. It does not exist. 

It keeps us trapped in, “not good enough.” And, really, isn’t it time to be done with that? 

To decide you are “good enough?”

In Episode 1 of Liberate Your People Pleaser, we’re diving into the truth that you don’t need fixing!  You’re exactly as you were uniquely created to be. Listen to the podcast HERE for more and let me know if it resonates. 

Back to the “good enough” part… the podcast isn’t on all the typical podcast channels yet, so for now, use the links here. I’ll have an official launch party when it’s up and running on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and other distribution sites. 

Naturally, I’d love for you to share the episode with friends, on Facebook and IG! Tag me in your post and I’ll give you a shoutout on a future episode! Here’s a sharable link you can copy and paste: https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-4252h-e5ea81

Let’s liberate our perfectionist and our people pleaser! We are positively good enough exactly as we are! 

The Million Dollar Question?

I’ve got a podcast coming your way on Sunday! 

I’m so excited to deliver a weekly video podcast that will help you Liberate Your People Pleaser! 

And yes, that’s the name! Liberate Your People Pleaser! I’ll send you the link to “Episode 1: You Don’t Need Fixing” on Sunday. I’ll post it on social media, it will be on podcast services like Spotify… I’m making a big splash!!

Until then, here’s my million dollar question… what would change your life in a dramatic way? 

No, not winning the lottery. Something more precious than money.  

Something that would allow you to let go of something that diminishes you or makes you feel trapped? 

Something that triggers self-criticism and doubt? 

Something that makes you feel like you aren’t good enough in some way. 

We all have them. What’s the question or situation that would liberate you, if you had a solution or answer to it?

Private Message me or tell me about it in the comments. I’ll feature it on a future podcast. And, not to worry, your identity will be kept private. Your question is safe with me.

Smash the Patriarchy With Me!

Patriarchy is about hierarchy. 

Hierarchy sucks. 

Patriarchy sucks. 

We’ve had enough. 

It’s time to smash them both! 

I’ve got a way to do it. And we can start today! 

To smash the patriarchy, we need to liberate ourselves from our people pleaser. 

Why? 

Because our people pleaser is way too easily fooled into backing off and backing down. Being nice. Not making waves. Keeping the peace. 

People Pleasing silences us and steals our voice. 

But what do you do? 

Love will smash the patriarchy. 

We will not allow that which we love to be destroyed whether is our precious selves, our family, our global brothers and sisters, our earth, none of it. 

We will not allow that which we love to be abused and treated with prejudice.

Love is quite good at saying, “No. This ends now.” 

Patriarchy isn’t the only thing that needs to end, now. Hit reply and tell me what you’re ready to put an end to in your life.

xoxo, 

Brenda

Did I Just Hear a Dirty Word?

People Pleaser.

It’s not a dirty word because it’s bad. Or because there’s something “wrong” with people who are people pleasers!

I’m one.

It’s a dirty word because of what it does to us.

Our people pleaser will get us twisted into a knot before we know it.

We’re second-guessing everything.

We lose our confidence.

Feel like an imposter.

Anxiety levels skyrocket as we try to figure out how to make everyone happy.

But how do we stop?

We stop by loving ourselves. Simple, yet profound.

Turn it all inward baby!

Here’s the really awesome thing about being a people pleaser – this is why I said there wasn’t anything “wrong” with being one…

We are very generous.

We are loving.

We are intuitive.

We are empathetic.

I could go on and on.

People pleasing is like chocolate cake. A little bit is great, but you can make yourself sick on too much!

Too much unchecked generosity, love and empathy will get us using those super-powers of intuition, love, generosity and empathy in ways that exhausts and drains us.

Our boundaries go weak.

We stop taking care of ourselves.

We feel like there’s never enough time.

We worry… a lot!

Let’s clean things up.

Tune into yourself. Yes, it’s okay to use that intuition on yourself! What do you need?

Love yourself. I work with clients on this all the time. Self-love cures everything. Pure and simple.

Be generous with yourself. Allow yourself some pleasure. Read a book. Lay in a hammock. Take a walk. Take a day off and do whatever the hell you want to. Whatever your soul needs.

Give yourself some of that empathy. Empathy is the art of “taking the perspective of another.” What is your perspective? Sometimes we get so busy doing for others we totally ignore our own experience.

Love is the secret weapon.

Use it on yourself.

xoxo,

Brenda

PS Most of us need help to turn on our superpowers of people pleasing and turn off the aspects that diminish and exhaust us. I’ve got three openings in my calendar for one-on-one clients. Let’s hop on a 15-minute call and see if it’s right for you. Schedule your call here. I can’t wait to chat with you.

The Trap of Significance

We all want to feel significant.

We want to be seen.

We want to be heard.

We want to know we matter.

We want to make a difference.

Where’s the problem?

The desire for significance can activate the people pleaser within.

Our People Pleaser has some fine qualities, but the desire to feel loved and to have the appreciation and approval of others, will lead us down a dis-empowering path.

It’s the easiest thing - and it happens, usually, before we realize it.

We want to please our spouse with a special meal or gift. Or maybe we’ve done something around the house that’s needed to be done for… too long.

We are sure they will be so pleased! So grateful. So appreciative.

And, they aren’t.

Maybe they didn’t notice or didn’t acknowledge the fabulous thing we did!  

Then we’re mad.

Depending on what we’ve done the downward spiral might be quick or it might be ugly and long.

We think things like, “Why don’t I get any recognition for all I do?” “He/she should appreciate all the time and effort that went into this!” Sometimes followed up by, “that’s the LAST TIME I’m doing that!”  

How did we go from graciously doing something to please someone, to angry and feeling unappreciated?

Welcome to the world of People Pleasing.

The beautiful desire to give to another gets hijacked by wanting their appreciation, love or approval.

When we do things because we want appreciation, love or approval things get distorted. The person (job, business, organization, church, friend, etc. etc.) you did the good deed for suddenly has the job of giving you the appreciation, love or approval you want so you feel good about what you did. That means they have the power.

What’s the solution?

It’s pretty simple, even if it seems impossible at first.

Don’t do it.

Let me elaborate.

The next time you get the idea to do something for someone ask yourself why you want to do it?

We’d all like to think we only have benevolent thoughts regarding these things, but if you stop and examine it, you’ll find out, you don’t always.

Sometimes you want the recognition. The acknowledgement. The love. The approval.

No Problem!

Go to your spouse, friend, boss, friend, etc. and tell them you’re needing some love and approval. (OK, you probably don’t want love from your boss. You can edit as needed!)

You can even tell them, what you were thinking about doing that was special and simply ask for what you need. Own that you want to do something special. Own that you want love and appreciation for it.

It looks like this: “Honey, I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a romantic dinner on Friday. Then I realized that part of the reason I want to do that is because I’m craving some love and attention from you. Instead of potentially setting us up for disappointment Friday night, are you up for giving me some love and attention? If so, I’d love to make us a romantic dinner. If you’re too beat and distracted (maybe he/she is) then let’s talk about what we can do to support each other and maybe, we’ll just order in.”

No drama. No strings. It’s owning what you can do without any resentment even if he/she isn’t up for giving you what you need. If he/she is up for it. Wow! Watch out! You’re about to have the best Friday night ever!

Our people pleaser has great intentions, but those hidden agendas will hijack our intentions. It’s time to release your people pleaser and take your power back!

I help clients slay people pleaser issues all the time! I’ve got three openings in my calendar for one-on-one clients. Let’s hop on a 15-minute call and see if it’s right for you. Schedule your call here. I can’t wait to chat with you.

xoxo,

Brenda

Turn Your People Pleaser Inside-Out

I’ve done it.

You’ve probably done it.

It…. People Pleasing.

What does People Pleasing look and sound like?

Lots of, “I’m sorry.”

Even for the smallest thing, like having someone bump into you - and saying, “I’m sorry.” For a People Pleaser it’s like we feel compelled to apologize for taking up space. For being human.

Lots of Exhaustion.

Yes, it’s exhausting trying to do for others all the time. Your family, kids, boss or business. Don’t get me wrong, they are all noble causes, but for a People Pleaser it never ends.  

When it depletes you and leaves you overwhelmed and exhausted, there’s a problem.

Lots of Trouble Saying, “No.”

Oh. Yeah. That.

Sure, a pandemic and unrest in our communities is exhausting. People Pleasing exhausted is special. It comes from a lack of boundaries. The lack of a clear, “No.” It doesn’t mean you don’t care or don’t agree. It simply means the answer is, “No.” At least not right now.

Two powerful ways to respond to your People Pleaser. Turn it Inside-Out

1.     Take responsibility – which is very different than, “I’m sorry.”

We all make mistakes and slip up. But everything doesn’t need an apology.

And we can stop apologizing for what other people do to us!

I know it’s a habit. But, let’s break it.

Take responsibility. “I missed my deadline. I’ll plan my time better in the future.”

“I burned dinner. I am so frustrated with myself for getting distracted! Do you want to order take-out?”

“I missed your birthday! I’m disappointed about that! Tell me everything you did to celebrate! I can’t wait to hear. And, by the way, you are such a gift in my life. Let me tell you how….”

When we connect to our loving inner-authority, who isn’t seeking the approval of others and thinks we are a one-of-a-kind, brilliant being (and she does, trust me! Your loving inner-authority loves you unconditionally and sees all the brilliance you have inside you!) we can take responsibility without judgment or shame.

2.     Get some rest. Which will probably require say, “No” to something or someone.

Being exhausted is no joke.

It lowers your immune system.

It raises your anxiety.

It’s brutal to your body.

What’s one thing you can say no to that will allow you to take a few minutes to rest?

It doesn’t have to be monumental. Small rest periods add up.

Your loving inner authority is waiting for you.

 

Like a perfect mother or BFF, your loving inner authority wants you to have what you need. She is your super-power. She will never give up.

Turn People Pleasing inside-out by becoming empowered from the inside out!

It’s all inside you. You have everything you need.

If you need a little help finding or believing that, let me know in the comments below, or email me here. I’d love to hear from you!