Do you want an upgrade?!

I woke up yesterday morning and thought, “I need to upgrade my office!” 

There wasn’t anything “wrong” with it. 

I live in a small studio apartment so there’s not a lot of space. When I moved in I carved out a small area by the front door and put my desk, printer, office supplies and notebooks there. Much of it was in a neat pile on the floor. Not bad. It certainly met my needs. 

But yesterday I knew… it was time for an upgrade. I decided I needed a bookshelf to put supplies, notebooks, markers, etc. on. I made a run to Target, spent $25 on a bookshelf and Voila! An hour later, even with building the bookshelf, I had an upgraded office! 

I felt like a million bucks. It was a huge improvement for such a small change. 

Life is like that. We can often make a small change that end up having a big impact. 

Where do you need an upgrade in your life? It might be in your physical space, like mine was. Or it might be emotionally, spiritually or in your body. 

We often tell ourselves until we have the time, money or motivation for a big upgrade there’s no point. 

But that’s a lie. 

You can reap huge benefits from a small change. I don’t always say this, but in this case… think small. 

You could: 

• Take 10 minutes looking at a gorgeous flower or something else in nature to rest your mind and feed your soul.

• Clean out that one drawer that makes you crazy. Not an entire closet, just one drawer. 

• Read, listen or watch something inspiring for 5 minutes, three times a day. That’s only 15 minutes, but spread through the day, it will change your day. 

• Change your dish soap to a scent that gives you joy! I love lavender all year, this time of year I like something that smells like fall. I might as well enjoy the smell of the bubbles while I wash the pans! 

There are so many things you can do. Start today. What needs an upgrade in your life and what can you do today to take a small upgraded step? 

Put Yourself at the Top of Your List

Growing up we were often taught that being selfless is better than being selfish. But there’s a huge difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself. Overwhelm will often kick in when we’re running around taking care of everybody else, and haven’t stopped and considered what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Because putting the happiness and well being of others before our own wants and needs is a formula for exhaustion, overwhelm and burn-out. We cannot be our best selves living our best lives if we constantly put others before ourselves.

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m going to dig deep and answer some  very important question regarding today’ topic:

Why do you need to put Yourself at the Top of Your List?

How to drop the habits of people-pleasing?

How to stop prioritizing other people over yourself without being selfish?

How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs?

And much more.. Listen to today’s episode HERE

If you like Today’s Episode, please don’t hesitate to post a 5-Stars review if you’re listening to the Podcast on Apple iTunes or Spotify and leave us a review telling us how our podcast helped you in a specific aspect of your life. It makes me so happy to see listeners' feedback because it motivates me to create content that is impactful for you and other listeners.

Do You Need a Break?

I did! And I’m taking it! 

I’m on vacation this week! I’ve chosen a lovely staycation, since I’ve recently moved to paradise, I didn’t want to leave! 

What I did want was: 

• A break from social media

• A break from my typical routine

• Extended time for relaxing by the pool, or at the beach, with a good book

• Time to dream about what’s important to me

• Time to dream about what I want my future to look like

• Time to do nothing

What about you? Even though I may not respond until next week, I’d love to know what you want? It might be some down time, it might be to start a project that is meaningful to you, it might be to soak in a long hot bath. 

What do you want? 

Staying in Your Own Sandbox - Wait - What?

This came up in Cocktails and Coaching last week. 

Staying in our sandbox, instead of messing in someone else’s sandbox. 

Let me explain… 

It’s all about how, as people pleasers, it’s easy to have empathy for someone else. But then we tend to take on those feelings, take on their problems or make how they feel and what they need more important than how we feel or what we need. Right? Everyone can relate to that! 

Welcome to the sandbox metaphor. 

Imagine each of us has a sandbox. In the sandbox are all your feelings, your body, your thoughts, your desires, your wants and needs, everything that is uniquely you. It’s a gorgeous sandbox! 

Everyone has their own sandbox. With their own feelings, their body, their thoughts, desires, wants, needs and everything that is unique to them. Their sandbox is gorgeous too and it’s just right for them and their journey. 

It’s great to look over at that other sandbox and notice that they are sad, anxious, fearful, or anything else. From my sandbox, I can ask them if I can support them or I can simply be beside them, in my own sandbox, seeing and hearing them. In healthy empathy we can see the other person without taking their stuff on as if it were our own.

When we get into people pleasing we tend to hop right into their sandbox. Trying to make it better, solve their problem, change how they feel, and we give lots of advice! We’re sure, in the nicest way, that we can make their sandbox better. 

The problem is, we have to leave our sandbox to get into theirs. That’s why we end up feeling resentful or exhausted. Because we are not in our own sandbox taking care of what we need, prioritizing our feelings and self-care. 

On top of that, when we hop over to someone else’s sandbox we start robbing them of the life lessons they need in order to take care of their own sandbox. In the extreme, that means they never really learn to take care of themselves. They never learn how to create a sandbox that suits their unique life. 

Staying in our sandbox, playing, creating, living the life that brings us joy is actually the best way to “help” another person. When they see you living in freedom and joy, it allows them to get inspired to create a sandbox that brings them freedom and joy. 

Where have you hopped over into someone else's sandbox? It’s so easy to do. There’s no shame in it. Simply notice it, and get back into your own sandbox. Then fill it with all the self-care you need to recover from leaving it. 

Reclaiming You!

It’s time. 

It feels like when a caterpillar comes out of its cocoon. 

As… a butterfly! 

A totally new being. 

That’s how this summer feels to me. 

Or… let me be more accurate, it feels like it has the POSSIBILITY of being something totally new.

It’s always a choice. 

Do we emerge from a year-and-a-half of uninvited, dramatic change that affected every aspect of our lives… the same as we were? 

Or do we accept the invitation to become something new? 

I’m choosing to become a new version of myself. 

I don’t want to “get back to normal.” 

I want to reclaim me. The newest version of myself that is more compassionate, trusting, abundant and tuned into my inner truth. The truth that transcends the outer world of phenomena and circumstance. 

I want to cultivate more inner trust. A deeper inner connection. Increased confidence to speak up for myself even when it’s hard. An increased ability to speak up for others even if it’s not popular. 

And my desires? My mission in life? Those dreams and visions just get bigger and bigger. I feel like I’m on the precipice of a huge expansion. And I’m ready! 

How about you? What do you want to claim for yourself? Do you feel a new desire or mission percolating? I’d love to hear about it! Please tell me. DM me if it feels private, or email me, Brenda@BrendaFlorida.com

And, if you’re reading this and thinking… WTF is she talking about?! I feel flat and depleted after the last year-and-a-half! Then tell me that too! 

You are in the right place, at the right time, being exactly who you are. Loving yourself into what’s next for you, is the only way. It’s what I help clients do every day. Allowing, love and growing out of self-compassion, not out of a forced need to “fix” something. 

I can’t wait to hear where you’re at and what’s up for you!

What to do when the rug gets ripped out from under you

I had the rug totally ripped out from under me last week. 

I was angry. Disappointed. I felt deflated and defeated.

What did I do?

I doubled down on my self-love and self-care. Exactly what I coach client’s to do. 

I’m not a very good coach if I can’t practice what I preach. 

When the going gets tough, it’s not time to push harder, or dive into self-criticism and judgment, although we will be tempted.  

If you’re an eternal optimist, like me, you will also be tempted to make yourself look on the bright-side or focus on the “silver lining,” bypassing the “negative” emotions that you’re feeling.

We might even get feedback from friends and family that is smacks of judgement, silver linings or being “strong.”

But here’s what you really need, it’s exactly what I needed and did. 

Self-love and self-care. 

Simple. But, not familiar to most of us.  

You might be wondering what self-love and self-care look like. So often we think of going to get our nails done or taking ourselves out to dinner. That might be it, but it may not. 

To me, the secret to self-love and self-care is that it’s a gift from you, to you. You don’t need anyone else. It’s not dependent on a spouse, lover, friend, or frankly a good manicurist or bartender. If it is dependent on someone else, it could get fu*$ed-up by that someone else. 

Don’t leave your self-love and self-care in the hands of someone else! If you think of it, that’s not even what it’s called. It’s not “other-love” or “other-care.” 

It’s about the self. You. You as the answer. You as the gift. Because, you are.

You might: 

• Quit work early

• Take a nice bath or shower

• Using a favorite soap, bubble bath or lotion and really taking the time to notice how it smells and feels on your body

• Masterbation is fantastic for healing, loving and grounding the body

• Reading a fun book

• Cooking yourself a lovely meal (if you love to cook this can be very loving)

• Take a walk/run or even sit in nature

• Meditate

• Light some candles

• Listen to music

• Take a nap

• Go to bed early (sleep is incredibly healing)

You’ll notice, these don’t require another person or money. 

You have everything you need to heal and rejuvenate yourself. Sure, it might take a combination of things, you might not bounce-back in an hour or even a day, but these will all nurture your mind, body and spirit. They will bring you back to wholeness, enoughness, and belief in your own resilience and confidence. 

What’s your favorite self-love/self-care activity? I’d love to hear what you do?

Do You Need a Break?

I did! And I took it. 

How about you? Do you have a break scheduled? 

I know “scheduling a break” doesn’t sound very sexy and you may wish that someone would offer to give you a break. But the truth is, if we don’t schedule a break for ourselves, we probably won’t get one. 

It’s so easy to get caught in this old people pleasing trap! 

Hell, I’m single and self-employed, and I still find myself wishing someone would tell me to take a break. 

Because if someone else told me to, then it would be okay. 

If my boss (well, in my case that’s me) or my lover (oh! Me again) or my checking account or even a BFF would just say, “hey, Brenda. You look like you could use a break! Take the afternoon. Get a mani/pedi or massage. Read a book. Binge some Netflix if it feels good. Sleep if you want. Whatever feels good. You deserve it!” 

Ahhh, how nice it would be to be expressly given permission by someone else. 

But wait. Is that really how you want to live? Only taking a break when someone else notices AND tells you to take a break? 

I hope the answer is no. You’re a grown-ass human being for goodness sake! You don’t need anyone’s permission to take a break! You take a break because you f’ing need one! 

And, that’s where the scheduling comes in. If it’s in your calendar, you’re going to take yourself seriously. Otherwise, as soon as someone else needs you or wants you to do something for them… you’ll ditch your break and go do what they need or want. 

It’s time to prioritize yourself. You don’t have to tell anyone you’re taking the afternoon, or day or week off to nap. Just say you’ve already got a commitment and aren’t available. If it’s someone you live with, then sure, tell them you’re taking a self-love day, but no one else needs an explanation. You don’t need to justify taking a break. 

I took one this week. In fact, I actually wrote this blog before I left on my break, because I didn’t want any deadlines hanging over me. 

I used some birthday money to book two glorious nights in Palm Springs. Two days of laying by the pool, reading, working on my tan, a bottle of my fav champagne… I’ll return feeling like a million bucks. It works every time! 

Try it! Start small if you have to. Take a break for an hour. Then work up to half a day. Then an entire day. Then… yes…. Go for it! Take an overnight! All to yourself! It’s the most generous thing to do for the people you work for and the people you love. Why? Because you’ll come back refreshed and renewed. 

Which allows us to give from a “full cup.” Which is… the best. 💜

In rest and relaxation,

Brenda

People Pleasing in the Bedroom 🙄

It’s time to talk about how people pleasing affects us in the bedroom. 

This is a subject near and dear to my heart, because I’ve lived through sexual abuse as a child and a truly disfunctional sex life in my first marriage. 

When that marriage was over one of my most prevailing thoughts, even though I had four kids from 8 - 15 years old that I needed to support on my own when I didn’t make enough money to do that… was, yay! I never have to have sex again! 

I know. Hard to believe! 

This is a big topic that I can’t do justice to in one blog, but let’s start the conversation. 

When we are in our people pleasing habits that keep us prioritizing our partners wants, needs, feelings, likes and dislikes, we can’t be in our authentic power. When we aren’t in our authentic power, we can’t be authentic lovers. 

We can have sex. We can say yes, when we want to say no. We can tell ourselves it’s what’s expected of a good wife/husband. (Yes, ladies, there are plenty of men who are people pleasers in and out of the bedroom and it doesn’t serve them any more than it does us.) We can go through the motions, but the best sex is always when we’re really present. 

That’s why, for those of you who have experienced it, it can be easier to have great sex with a stranger. There’s not any relationship baggage and we tend to be present. Our bodies were made for pleasure. If we show up and are present, it unusually turns out to be pretty good! 

How do we get our power back in the bedroom? How do we stop saying yes when we mean no, or prioritizing what our partner wants over what we want? 

The first step is deciding it’s important for you to get what you want and need in the bedroom. You’ve got to believe you have the right for your wants and needs to be a priority. Of course, in a healthy relationship we share who’s needs get priority if our needs are conflicting, but it can’t always be your lover’s turn! 

The second step is to know what you want. 

Wait. 

That might be a problem. 

If you’ve been prioritizing your lover for a long time, you might have lost touch with what you want in bed. What gives you the most pleasure. What is fun to you. If you’ve lost touch with your own pleasures, it’s time to go back to when you were a kid and innocently enjoyed exploring your  body and sexual stimulation. 

I grew up in such a sexually dysfunctional family, I didn’t do any innocent exploration of my body or sexual pleasures until I was in my 30’s. Yep. That’s not a typo! So… If I made it to sexual pleasure and freedom, you can too! 

Start. Take one step. Then take another. 

If you need some help, I’m here for you. 

This is a perfect issue to get some one-on-one coaching for. 

I promise, no matter where you’re at, there’s hope. You can have fantastic sex and feel authentic power in the bedroom. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to figure it all out. I’m here to gently guide you into your authentic sexual expression. Hit reply, your email is confidential and I’m the only one who will see it.

In power and pleasure, 

Brenda

I Am Super Excited To Share This With You!

I will be joining six other women to share tips and tools about life, love and marriage in an upcoming free virtual masterclass, “A Confident Wife” Empowering You to Stay Married, Happily, or Find the Certainty You Need to Leave.

Because you follow me, I know you will enjoy watching as I and the other badass women really open up and share on subjects like how to create boundaries; how to reconnect; how to love, not please to gain love; how to find and reclaim the humor and fun in your marriage; the difference between true self love and what we usually think of as selfishness or self absorption; and how you find joy and love by first filling your own cup, and simple ways to do that.

This class was designed  to offer direction for reconnecting in love, but even more importantly to support you to be the person you were created to be.

Don’t wait to claim your seat!

Me and the other speakers are offering free gifts in addition to their years of wisdom, insight and expertise! You will laugh, cry and see new ways of living fully open to love.

Look at the free gifts waiting for you!

• Yours Truly  - "3-Step Guide to Being Seen and Heard" 

• La Shell Wooten  - “Your Balance Sheet” A quick study on what may be lacking in your life and how to reclaim it.

• Tiff Zapico – A complimentary call to see what may be stopping you from living your best life

• Deanna Pizitz – “3 Pillars to Good Health”

• Kim Reutzel – “12 Days of Devotional Guidance Scripture Hug”

• Kimberly Benjamin Houdebine – “Five Steps to Rediscovering You”

The Masterclass is Saturday, January 23rd, so hop on over and register now, before you get distracted with anything else and miss the opportunity! 

Do you need some relief?

What a year! 

What a holiday season! 

I’m sure you’ve got a lot going on that isn’t the way you planned for it to be. 

I want you to get some relief! 

While I can’t come cook you a meal or give you a much deserved massage, what I can do is give you an hour that is totally devoted to you and what you need. 

Last week one of my clients said, “I realized today, I’m always happy on the days we talk!” 

Not only is that the best testimonial ever - it speaks to the benefit of coaching. 

It feels so good to spend an hour with someone (me) who is 100% focused on what you want and need. The bonus is you’ll leave the hour with at least one thing you can do to get more of what you want and need.

The priceless part of the hour is what you’ll feel. Relief. Cared for. Attended to. Seen. Heard. 

I’m offering a special holiday rate of $97 for a single session. It will be the best $97 you’ve invested in yourself. 

Give yourself the gift of relief. You can pay and book all in one spot. Easy Peasy. Click HERE.

Do You Want to be Seen, Heard and Valued?

So many clients come to me because they are sick of NOT being seen, heard and valued by their lover, boss, or someone else important to them.

For people pleasers this is particularly common because we were conditioned to abandon our authenticity in order to please others. But there is a solution

Today’s Liberate Your People Pleaser episode I will give you specific steps to begin to be seen, heard and valued in your life.

You can start today. There’s nothing more powerful than being seen, heard and valued. You deserve it and you can have it!

Listen to today’s episode HERE. Then share your take-away and what you did in the exercise I gave you. No spoiler alerts. Go watch the episode then tell me all about it!

Does this Surprise You?

The other day my 10 year old grandson said, “Grandma B, I really like how you respect my boundaries. Not everyone does.” 

You can pick yourself up off the floor now! 

First of all, that this 10 year old boy is so emotionally intelligent that he knows what boundaries are and how to set them is a miracle and testament to his Mom and Dad. 

Second, because I grew up with a Mother who had no boundaries, and I didn’t learn what boundaries were until I was in my 30’s, that comment was a huge compliment to me! 

People Pleasers usually suck at setting boundaries and often they don’t respect other’s. Not because they aren’t willing. It’s more like they don’t understand boundaries, so they don’t know how to respect them. I’ve coached people who didn't even really know what a boundary is. 

What’s your relationship with boundaries? 

Are you able to set boundaries? 

To say, “No,” when you mean no. 

To tell someone you don’t want to hear their racist jokes. 

To speak up when someone does or says something that diminishes or dismisses you. 

Boundaries give us confidence. 

Boundaries are an act of self-care and self-love. 

Do you need help with setting boundaries? 

That’s what I’m here for. 

I’ve got a Boundaries for People Pleasers Package that’s perfect for you! You’ll get four private sessions with me, plus worksheets to support your boundary setting during our four sessions and beyond.  

You’ll learn what to say and what to do to get your boundaries in place. Once you have your boundaries identified, you need to learn how to communicate them clearly. Then you need to know what to do when they aren’t respected! After these four sessions, you’ll be the boundary Queen or King! 

Email me, brenda@brendaflorida.com and I’ll tell you more about the Boundaries for People Pleasers Package. It’s just what the doctor ordered!

Is This a Time For Decadence?

I think it is! 

The decadence of knowing who we are. 

The decadence of knowing how we can best serve the world. 

The decadence of unapologetic self expression. 

Does it seem like a pipe-dream to you? 

What is your relationship with decadence like? Troubled? Thriving? You’re strangers who have never met? You met and were too scared to see what it had to offer? 

It’s a topic we’ve been exploring in my private FB Group, Liberate Your People Pleaser this week. I’ve done several FB Lives. Check them out and join, if you aren’t a member, HERE.

Tell me about it in the comments below or email me at brenda@brendaflorida.com

It’s a topic I’ll be teaching on in my new virtual workshop, Own Your Brilliance. (More to come on that in the coming weeks.)

I can’t wait to hear about you and decadence!

Are You Ready For Your Turn?

Do you feel like you’ve given… and given… and given…

You want YOUR TURN!

Our lifestyles are different now. There’s no “normal.”

We’re home… a lot!

Your “invisible workload” has increased.

You probably know about the invisible workload. It’s all the things you do and keep track of in your head that nobody notices… unless you don’t do it, or forget something!

All women have an invisible workload. Some men do, but this is mainly a feminine issue.

You keep track of what’s in the fridge, what everyone likes, and doesn’t like, whose birthday is coming up and has a card or gift been purchased, wrapped, mailed? Is it time to buy cat food/dog food/gerbil food? Not to mention the important question of 2020… do we have toilet paper in the house!

And it’s not just the physical needs. Often, you are caring for the emotional needs of family and friends. You are helping them with their anxiety.

It’s easy to put the needs of others ahead of our own.

There’s a price to pay when you don’t take your turn.

I’ve learned the hard way, the exhausted way, that I am the only one who can call a time-out and give MYSELF A TURN! I had to wake up to my unique deliciousness.

You have a unique deliciousness about you.

You’re tired, frustrated and at your wits end because she is asking you to notice her. For you to step into her power and love.

We’ve been conditioned to be asleep, to forget about our unique deliciousness.

Most of us have been taught that our unique deliciousness is not as important as the needs and wants of others. Or that it’s selfish to focus on it. Hell, some of us were taught that we don’t even have unique deliciousness.

It’s not true!

You are a unique delicious gift to the world. The one and only.

Breathe that in.

Wake up to your unique deliciousness. She’s been calling you.  

Give yourself one hour in the next day or two.

Choose to be awake, remember and get to know your unique deliciousness. You didn’t lose her. You don’t need to find her. She’s right there, waiting.

·      Read a book

·      Take a nap

·      Go for a walk

·      Listen to something inspirational

·      Take a bath

·      Watch side-splitting YouTube videos

I can’t wait to hear what you did and how you felt with your unique deliciousness! Hit reply and tell me about it.

If it feels too impossible find your unique deliciousness or you don’t think you have it, definitely hit reply and tell me about that!  

In love, from my unique deliciousness to yours,

Brenda

P.S. I’ve got 3 spots open, right now, for one-on-one clients. Hit reply and let me know you’re interested in exploring what it would be like to work together. Your unique deliciousness has important information for you. We can tap into her together. You don’t need to figure it out alone.