How I’m being Unapologetically Authentic

I can be a contradiction in terms. So many things about me don’t make a lot of sense together, and yet, they are what makes me, me. 

I’ve learned that if I try to suppress any of them, I end up not being authentic because I’m not bringing all of myself to the table. 

• I love flip flops and stilettos 

• I am deeply spiritual and a potty-mouth

• Extroverted (I love to be the center of attention!) and a lover of solitude

• I love to travel and I LOVE my home and sleeping in my own bed

and my current expression of my contradictions….

Cocktails and Coaching! 

Those two may seem like they don’t go together, but to me they do! 

At a minimum, they are two things I love! 

I’m inviting you to join me, live, on Wednesday evenings for this fun and inspirational time together! 

Cocktails and Coaching will be in my private FB Group, Liberate Your People Pleaser. If you aren’t a member, JOIN HERE.

I’ll be live for about 30 minutes. Come and go as needed. 

I’ll post the video on IG, @lavishbrenda, so you can catch the reply there or through the FB Group. 

I welcome your questions or topics you’d like for me to cover. Hit reply and let me know what’s on your mind! 

Grab your cocktail, tea or kombucha… I mean, you do you, I’ll have a cocktail… and we’ll enjoy our beverages and have an inspirational chat. It all begins Wednesday, March 3, at 5 pm PST/6 pm MST/7 pm CST/8 pm EST. 

Cheers! 

Brenda

The Power of Choice

The worst feeling in the world is to feel like you have no choice. 

You feel trapped. No way out. No alternatives. 

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’ll share with you the way we most often give our power away to other people or situations that will cause us to feel like we don’t have any choices. 

And, of course, I won’t leave you in that disempowered place without any choices… I’ll give you the steps to liberation! 

Listen to today’s episode right now, right HERE. 

In power and choice, 

Brenda

Do You Feel Successful?

I was in a Clubhouse room the other day participating in a discussion about success; how we define it and how it changes as we age and the world changes. 

If you haven’t heard, Clubhouse is a new social media space, currently, for iPhone only users. It’s an interesting format that I’m enjoying. If you’re on Clubhouse, I’d love for you to follow me and invite me to any rooms you’re in. I plan to start hosting my own rooms soon. 

Anyway, back to success, it was an intriguing discussion and made me realize how much people pleasing had influenced, or completely defined what I thought success was for much of my life. 

It’s so easy to define success by our family standards, society's standards, or our spouse’s standards. Even our friends can influence it. 

So my question to you is, if you were dropped in the middle of a new land, where no one knew you and no one had any preconceived ideas about what you’re good at, or what you like to do. And, you could be the version of yourself that feels the most authentic to you today. Not how you were 10 years ago, five or even one year ago. Clean slate. No expectations. 

And, just for fun, lets add the juicy detail that the place you’ve landed in, is your absolute favorite! Everything you see, hear and smell is exactly the way you love it! All your favorite things to do, see and experience are available to you. It’s your personal Disneyland… or version of heaven on earth. 

Now. What would you do to earn money? It’s a natural desire to want to contribute to the greater good. So, whether it seems like a “serious profession” or not, what would you like to do in exchange for money? 

How would you define success? Not just in regard to what you do in exchange for money, but for your whole life? Because success is a much larger topic than our careers or businesses. 

Tell me about it. Let go of all the ways you’ve prioritized your family’s needs or expectations, your cultural expectations, your company’s expectations, etc… and tell me what you would do and how you would define success. 

I can’t wait to hear!

Has Your Light Been Dimmed? 🕯

We’ve all experienced a situation or relationship that dims our light, or knocks the wind out of our sails. 

That’s a clear sign, we’ve lost our power. 

Today, I’ll unpack another lesson I learned during the difficult time of being incredibly broke and Googling homeless shelters a few years ago. 

One of the most profound lessons I learned was that authentic power and possibility are intrinsically linked. When we can access our authentic power, even when our circumstances don’t change, we start finding possibilities. 

I’ve included a really powerful story with one of my coaching clients. I don’t want to spoil the ending so…. 

Listen to the episode HERE.

People Pleasing in the Bedroom 🙄

It’s time to talk about how people pleasing affects us in the bedroom. 

This is a subject near and dear to my heart, because I’ve lived through sexual abuse as a child and a truly disfunctional sex life in my first marriage. 

When that marriage was over one of my most prevailing thoughts, even though I had four kids from 8 - 15 years old that I needed to support on my own when I didn’t make enough money to do that… was, yay! I never have to have sex again! 

I know. Hard to believe! 

This is a big topic that I can’t do justice to in one blog, but let’s start the conversation. 

When we are in our people pleasing habits that keep us prioritizing our partners wants, needs, feelings, likes and dislikes, we can’t be in our authentic power. When we aren’t in our authentic power, we can’t be authentic lovers. 

We can have sex. We can say yes, when we want to say no. We can tell ourselves it’s what’s expected of a good wife/husband. (Yes, ladies, there are plenty of men who are people pleasers in and out of the bedroom and it doesn’t serve them any more than it does us.) We can go through the motions, but the best sex is always when we’re really present. 

That’s why, for those of you who have experienced it, it can be easier to have great sex with a stranger. There’s not any relationship baggage and we tend to be present. Our bodies were made for pleasure. If we show up and are present, it unusually turns out to be pretty good! 

How do we get our power back in the bedroom? How do we stop saying yes when we mean no, or prioritizing what our partner wants over what we want? 

The first step is deciding it’s important for you to get what you want and need in the bedroom. You’ve got to believe you have the right for your wants and needs to be a priority. Of course, in a healthy relationship we share who’s needs get priority if our needs are conflicting, but it can’t always be your lover’s turn! 

The second step is to know what you want. 

Wait. 

That might be a problem. 

If you’ve been prioritizing your lover for a long time, you might have lost touch with what you want in bed. What gives you the most pleasure. What is fun to you. If you’ve lost touch with your own pleasures, it’s time to go back to when you were a kid and innocently enjoyed exploring your  body and sexual stimulation. 

I grew up in such a sexually dysfunctional family, I didn’t do any innocent exploration of my body or sexual pleasures until I was in my 30’s. Yep. That’s not a typo! So… If I made it to sexual pleasure and freedom, you can too! 

Start. Take one step. Then take another. 

If you need some help, I’m here for you. 

This is a perfect issue to get some one-on-one coaching for. 

I promise, no matter where you’re at, there’s hope. You can have fantastic sex and feel authentic power in the bedroom. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to figure it all out. I’m here to gently guide you into your authentic sexual expression. Hit reply, your email is confidential and I’m the only one who will see it.

In power and pleasure, 

Brenda

What’s your happiness set-point?

Did you know that we are predisposed to a happiness “set-point?”

If you’ve ever noticed it seems easier for some people to be happier than you are - or visa versa, today’s podcast interview with Kim Strobel will tell you why.  

Kim is a happiness expert and we had a dynamic and exciting conversation on today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser. You can listen HERE or watch the video HERE. 

Our conversation inspired me to get very transparent about some things I’ve been working on, but more than that, Kim’s got some very specific tools you can use to improve your level of happiness.

And if you’re thinking that Kim is an expert on happiness because her life has been overflowing with happiness since the day she was born… guess again! 

Kim shares very intimately her experience with panic attacks and how that took her on a journey to the happiness coaching she does now. 

Don’t miss this inspiring and practical episode for increasing your level of happiness! 

There’s no better way to start 2021!

Do you ever want to throw a temper tantrum?

Last week we watched our president and some of his fans throw a violent temper tantrum. It was like a two year old being told it’s bedtime! 

I like to look for the metaphor. It helps me see what’s in it for me. 

Of course, I hated watching it and I wanted to be super judgmental. I felt righteous indignation. 

And then I thought, where is there a part of me, hanging on for dear life, when in fact… it’s time to go? 

And, I found it. I’ll share it with you next week.

We all have it. 

More than one “it.” 

Those habits, relationships and ways of thinking that really, really don’t serve us anymore. 

It’s time for them to go. 

Last Wednesday it became abundantly clear to me what my purpose and mission in life is. For myself and others, to work with that stubborn part in all of us that doesn’t want to leave. That is hanging on, threatening us, berating us, spewing lies and refusing to go. 

Where is your two year old throwing a temper tantrum? It can be focused on any person or situation in your life that isn’t the way you want it to be. It might be focused on you. An inner tantrum that berates you to you. 

Let’s take care of it. It’s hard to let things go. I will gladly be your guide and advocate. Book a 15-minute call and we’ll decide what your next steps are. 

With that tantrum comes a feeling of powerlessness. That’s what triggers a tantrum. Together we’ll activate your innate power. The power that will lovingly take charge and lead the way.

What would you do?

It’s hard to imagine how a person recovers from the death of their child, but in today’s interview with Tracey Smith, I am 100% sure, you are going to be inspired by what she did when her son was killed by a drunk driver. 

I don’t want to have any spoiler alerts here, so go listen to this powerful episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser…. NOW!

It’s true that unspeakably difficult things can happen to any of us. 

Do we live in fear? 

No, we take Tracey’s lead and find our way into a life of power and purpose. 

I can’t wait to hear your comments about this episode. 

Share in the comments how Tracey’s story inspired you!

Episode 21 to start 2021!

I couldn’t have planned it if I had tried! 

It’s the first podcast of 2021 and it’s episode 21! 

Today it’s all about power. 

Who has the power in your relationship?

Today I’m discussing romantic relationships, but the same question applies to friendships, family and professional relationships. 

Listen to today’s episode HERE.

It’s time to take your power back. Not to have power OVER anyone, but to prevent anyone from having power OVER YOU! 

I’ve got a special coaching package specifically designed to help you. It’s the Be Seen and Heard package. There are two levels - one with 3 sessions, one with 9 sessions plus more support and there are payment plans. Get all the information for the package HERE.

You do not need to spend another year feeling like you are not seen or heard! 

Make 2021 YOUR YEAR!

Don’t you wish you knew this when you were young?

That’s what so many of my clients and workshop attendees say! 

What if… when we were 10, 11, 12 - or when we were a pre-teen or teen we knew…

We didn’t have to silence ourselves to “keep the peace.” 

We could love our bodies, exactly as they are in all their unique beauty? 

We could have the confidence to explore personal style and how we wanted to express ourselves? 

How to get that mean girl inside us - and maybe a few outside of us - to chill out and leave us alone! 

Well, it’s here. 

Grab the girl you know ages 10 - 18 and register her for BOLD Virtual Camp during the boring days of winter break between Christmas and New Years! 

In this special episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser, I’m hanging out with my two coach friends who are teaching BOLD Camp with me. 

You can get all the information and register for BOLD Camp HERE. 

Watch this episode HERE

Why get on Zoom...Again?!

I know, we’re all sick of Zoom. 

Our kids are sick of Zoom. 

And… most of our states and countries are tightening restrictions again because of rising COVID numbers. 

What do we do? 

We’re tired of it all. 

But, it’s not over. 

Here’s what we do: We Rise. 

Yes, We Rise. 

That’s what determined people have done since the beginning of time. When things get difficult, they rise. 

Let’s name a few, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Malala Yousafzai.

They showed us how to rise. Even if it means getting on Zoom. It’s a small price to pay to change a life or change the world. 

Here’s my suggestion, grab every girl you know between the ages of 10 - 18 and let’s get them on Zoom for BOLD Virtual Camp! It’s three days, two hours a day, Dec. 28, 29 and 30th. Right when they are probably bored with Winter Break.  Two hours is not long. But it is long enough to: 

1. Have fun

2. Make a few new friends

3. Learn empowerment skills for speaking up 

4. Have a fashion show

5. Create a vision board for 2021

6. Crush diet culture mentality that promotes negative body image

7. Learn how to be-the-boss over social media 

8. Rise above the mean-girl thoughts in our head and from others

There’s more I could write, but you get my point. 

No girl ever said, “Mom, can you find a way for me to spend more time at school?” And yet, they all did, we did, because that’s where after school clubs were, sports and band practice were… it’s where our friends were. 

Now they’re on Zoom, so we’ll be on Zoom. Not because we “love it” but because that’s where cool, fun empowering stuff is happening! And we all need more of that! 

BOLD Camp is here! Get the deets and register your girl, your friend’s girls, your niece, your granddaughter, your next-door neighbor, any girl you know, because this is going to be three days that can change her life and give her what she needs to start 2021 with a bang! Get it all HERE!

Is Parenting Hard? Duh.

This year has been difficult for parents in many ways. Having to manage remote learning for school-age kids, everyone being home so much, having most, if not all, of our kids activities canceled, and we’re home more too! NO ONE is getting a break from each other! 

I have four adult children ranging from 33 - 40 years old. I’m grateful I didn’t have to manage a pandemic while my kids were young. I admire and respect all of you who are living this “new normal.” 

One of the hardest parts about being a parent is having healthy boundaries with our kids so that we can play the role of guide and not get enmeshed with them. 

What does it mean to be enmeshed with our kids? 

How do we create an environment that allows our kids to become the unique expression that they are, rather than overly influencing who you want them to become?

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’ll explore the controversial role of parents in their kid’s lives. 

When are we giving too much? When are we over-functioning? When do we empower them? When do we take-away their power? 

Join me in this special episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser, then leave a comment and share your struggles and triumphs as a parent. 

Listen to today’s episode HERE.

Less Screaming! More....

I was talking to someone about a new package I’m putting together for people pleasers who are dating and in relationships. 

It’s one of the most important packages I’ve created. 

You see, so many qualities that make us people pleasers, suck the energy out of us and make us resentful in our relationships. 

It’s really hard to be seen and heard by your lover when you’re trying so hard to “keep the peace,” and “not rock the boat.” 

I told her how I was creating this package to coach people who are dating, or in romantic relationships, on how to avoid the terrible experience of NOT being seen and heard by their lover. 

She said, “Oh! Like, scream less and screw more!” 

Boom! 

I couldn’t have said it better myself! 

There’s always that fight that we have on a routine basis. The details of the story might change, but the underlying topic is the same. 

And, under the topic, is the dynamic. The number one complaint of romantic relationships:

You don’t feel seen and heard. 

Why is that such a big deal? 

Because we can’t feel valued when we aren’t seen and heard. 

Being dismissed or ignored is the equivalent of being devalued. Period.  

Your lover - my lover -  might not have “meant” to devalue us, but, it’s the natural experience of not being seen and heard. 

I’ve learned how to be seen and heard. 

That’s why I’m so passionate about coaching others on how to be seen and heard! 

Today, I’ll give you one tip to get you headed in the right direction. 

Tip #1 for being seen and heard:

Make sure you see and hear yourself before trying to get your lover to see and hear you. 

Wait? What? 

No, this is not a trick. And, yes, you read that right. 

It starts with you - with me. 

You see, as a people pleaser we’ve been trained to ignore ourselves. To make what other people want and need more important than what we want and need. 

The first obstacle to overcome is our own habit of self-dismissal. Self-devaluing. 

Write yourself a letter. Record a message. Tell yourself what it is that you are wanting your love to see and hear. Listen to yourself. See yourself. Honor your want or need. Give it value. 

Notice how that feels. 

Take the time to revel in your own validation of your own want or need. It’s so much more powerful than you might imagine. 

After you’ve reveled in it, feel free to share it with your lover. Your energy and communication will have shifted because you began where all things begin. With you. Inside you. 

That’s where the magic is.

Love or Fear?

I have a client who is facing a host of life changes. Career, finances, needing to move, relationship challenges, you name it! Life is hitting this client on all fronts. 

This is one of my super-powers, helping people navigate really stressful times of massive change. 

Why? Because I’ve done it myself, many times. 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that we have to choose love over fear. 

Fear = anxiety, “not enough time,” limitation, scarcity, forcing outcomes, a feeling of powerlessness. 

Love = open to possibility, allowing, abundance, and a feeling that you are supported by invisible and visible forces. 

No matter how dire a situation is, and I say this knowing what it is like to have $50 and Googling homeless shelters, fear NEVER helps us find our best solution. 

Fear puts us in a box. And that box is very small. There aren’t a lot of options. It’s the home of “this or that” thinking. When we think small, we get small. 

Fear also gets us focused on the past or the future. A past that stresses or pisses us off and a future that seems grim. 

In fear, we feel powerless. 

Love, on the other hand, allows us to be open and trust that there are lots of possibilities. Even ones that we aren’t thinking about. We can ask for help, knowing there are tons of resources in the universe. 

Love allows us to be in the present moment, not in the past or future where we have no power. 

Love = power. 

Fear = powerless. 

Sure, it can be hard, when life is piling up on you, to find love. 

That’s why I’m here.

It’s my life’s work (and joy) to facilitate clients in choosing love over fear. No matter what the circumstances are. 

Where are you at today? 

Will you choose love, or fear? 

I’m here if you need a guide to help you. I’ve always had guides who have helped me. 

The first step towards love is to ask for the help you deserve.

...Because…

I need to ask you, please, stop comparing yourself to anyone. 

Easier said than done. Right? 

The fastest way to have your day spiral downward is to compare yourself to someone else. 

Enter… despair. 

You’ve felt it. 

You’re happy. Enjoying your day. 

You started the day with gratitude. 

All is well. 

And then, you check FB or IG and… boom. 

SHE seems to be handling her kids so much better. 

SHE looks so much better. 

SHE seems so much happier. 

SHE looks like her life is soooooo much more together than yours is. 

The list goes on. 

Here’s my solution. 

STOP IT! 

I know. Not very “life-coachy” of me. But this is kind of like a kid putting their hand on a hot stove. For the kid’s protection, you don’t coach them through all the reasons why this isn’t a good idea. You grab their hand off the stove! 

Think of comparison at putting your hand on a hot stove. 

Be loving and protective of yourself to pull your hand off. 

You don’t deserve to get burned. But, you do need to stop putting your hand on the stove. 

It doesn’t mean you have to stop going on FB or IG. Unless you do. 

I bet sometimes your feed inspires you. Or connects you to people you love. All good things. 

And…. sometimes that’s not what happens. 

As soon as you notice it. As soon as you feel the “heat” of compare and despair, move your hand! Close the app. Get off the site. 

Go do something that reminds you how awesome you are and all those things you felt grateful for.  

Because you are unique. In all the world. For all time, past and future, there will never be another person like you. There is no one to compare yourself to. You’re the gift. 

PS Social media is just one of the topics we cover in my BOLD program. BOLD is for girls 8-18 years old. It’s all about empowerment, self-confidence and raising self-esteem! Get more deets and let me know you’re interested in learning more HERE.

Ever Been Told You’re TOO MUCH?

Too loud! 

Too outspoken!

Too curvy!  

Too sexy! 

Too outspoken! 

Too smart!

Too much of a dreamer! 

What have you been told you’re TOO MUCH? Drop it in the comments and tell me. 

I am here to say, I love how TOO MUCH you are! 

The world is going to be saved by people who are TOO MUCH! 

Let’s look at what history shows us. 

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, definitely too outspoken. 

J Lo, definitely too curvy. 

Marilyn Monroe, definitely too sexy. 

Madame Curie, definitely too smart! 

You see where this is going. 

I’m begging you, don’t stop being TOO MUCH! 

Take a moment right now to consider how your life would be different if you never heard those words, too much. 

Instead, you consistently had someone, who you love and admire, tell you how fantastic it is that you’re outspoken, curvy, sexy, multi-passionate, smart, etc. They tell you all the time how this gift is the very thing that makes you who you are. They celebrate it! They adore you for it! 

The good news is, you have that person inside you. I call it my inner-loving presence. She’s always there. She always loves and adores me, exactly how I am. In all my unique TOO MUCH-NESS!  

Breath it in. Feel it. Your inner-loving presence telling you how awesome it is that you are TOO MUCH! 

How does that change things for you? What will you do to change the world? “The world” doesn’t mean you go global, although, it might. The world is your home, yourself, your people. Your world. 

Tell me. How will your TOO MUCH change things?